Domestic Violence

Una Canción Nueva: Mark 10:11-12

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“He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.’ ”

Mark 10:11-12, Common English Bible

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

In the past, when I thought about divorced people, I didn’t understand that a divorced person is a person who needs to be loved. I didn’t understand how much pain a person could feel when life separated them from their spouse. The pain is horrible. I didn’t understand and read Jesus’ words without compassion.

When I read Jesus’ words today, I understand that Jesus rarely spoke about life in order to teach people to help bring harsher laws into their lives. Divorced people need compassion and Jesus wanted people to avoid grief and sorrow.

When I think about these words today, I have compassion for divorced people, including myself. I needed physical, spiritual, and mental security that I didn’t have. Jesus loves me and would be glad that I chose to live when I wanted to crawl into a hole forever.

«El que se divorcia de su esposa y se casa con otra, comete adulterio contra la primera —respondió—. Y si la mujer se divorcia de su esposo y se casa con otro, comete adulterio.»

Marcos 10:11-12, Nueva Versión Internacional

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

En el pasado, cuando pensaba sobre personas divorciadas, no entendí que una persona divorciada es una persona que necesita que se ame. No entendí cuánto dolor una persona podía sentirse cuando la vida lo separaba de su parido.  El dolor es horrible. No entendí y leí las palabras de Jesús sin compasión.

Cuando leo las palabras de Jesús hoy, entiendo que Jesús hablaba raramente sobre la vida para enseñar a las personas a ayudar traer leyes más crueles en sus vidas. Las personas divorciadas necesitan compasión y Jesús quería que las personas evitaran el duelo y la pena. 

Cuando pienso sobre estas palabras hoy, tengo compasión por la gente divorciada, incluyendo a mí. Necesitaba seguridad física, espiritual, y mental que no tenía. Jesús me ama y estaría contento de que yo elija vivir cuando fuí a querer meterme en un agujero para siempre.

Una Canción Nueva: Psalm 26:1-8

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“Establish justice for me, LORD, because I have walked with integrity. I’ve trusted the LORD without wavering. Examine me, LORD; put me to the test! Purify my mind and my heart. Because your faithful love is right in front of me– I walk in your truth! I don’t spend time with people up to no good; I don’t keep company with liars. I detest the company of evildoers, and I don’t sit with wicked people. I wash my hands–they are innocent! I walk all around your altar, LORD, proclaiming out loud my thanks, declaring all your wonderful deeds! I love the beauty of your house, LORD; I love the place where your glory resides.” Psalm 26:1-8, Common English Bible

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

One problem with situations where people are engaged in domestic violence is the silence about people who are survivors of domestic violence. We see the people who commit violence and work to bring justice, but we forget about the survivors who die every day in their thoughts.

I like the psalms because they say that the Lord saw, sees, and will see that the world needs justice. The Lord does not forget the survivors who heard cruel lies, were beaten, and will need years for healing.

Hazme justicia, SEÑOR, pues he llevado una vida intachable; ¡en el SEÑOR confío sin titubear! Examíname, SEÑOR; ¡ponme a prueba! purifica mis entrañas y mi corazón. Tu gran amor lo tengo presente, y siempre ando en tu verdad. Yo no convivo con los mentirosos, ni me junto con los hipócritas; aborrezco la compañía de los malvados; no cultivo la amistad de los perversos. Con manos limpias e inocentes camino, SEÑOR, en torno a tu altar, proclamando en voz alta tu alabanza y contando todas tus maravillas. SEÑOR, yo amo la casa donde vives, el lugar donde reside tu gloria.» Salmo 26:1-8, Nueva Versión Internacional

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

Un problema con situaciones cuando personas haciendo con violencia doméstica es el silencio sobre las personas que son sobrevivientes de violencia doméstica. Vemos a las personas que hacen violencia y trabajamos para traer justicia, pero olvidamos a los sobrevivientes que mueren todos los días en sus pensamientos.

Me gustan los salmos porque dicen que el Señor vio, ve, y verá que el mundo necesita justicia. El Señor no olvida las sobrevivientes que escucharon mentiras crueles, fueron golpeadas, y necesitarán anos por curación. 

Una Canción Nueva: Job 2:4-9

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The Adversary responded to the LORD, “Skin for skin–people will give up everything they have in exchange for their lives. But stretch out your hand and strike his bones and flesh. Then he will definitely curse you to your face.” The LORD answered the Adversary, “There he is–within your power; only preserve his life.” The test intensifies The Adversary departed from the LORD’s presence and struck Job with severe sores from the sole of his foot to the top of his head. Job took a piece of broken pottery to scratch himself and sat down on a mound of ashes. Job’s wife said to him, “Are you still clinging to your integrity? Curse God, and die.” Job 2:4-9, Common English Bible

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

The story of Job is a story with many difficult parts. The story asks us to believe that the Lord chose to talk to Satan about a very good man named Job. The Lord chose to allow Job to experience many very bad things.

Among the terrible things that the Lord allowed Job to do, Job’s wife reproached Job: “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!”

Let’s get right to the point: It’s not cool when a person says those things to a person who has a lot of problems without those words. Those words are words of violence and cruelty. A wife who says those things doesn’t love her husband. A husband who says the same things doesn’t love his wife. No person who says those words doesn’t love the person on the receiving end.

—¡Una cosa por la otra! —replicó Satanás—. Con tal de salvar la vida, el hombre da todo lo que tiene. 5Pero extiende la mano y hiérelo, ¡a ver si no te maldice en tu propia cara! —Muy bien —dijo el SEÑOR a Satanás—, Job está en tus manos. Eso sí, respeta su vida. Dicho esto, Satanás se retiró de la presencia del SEÑOR para afligir a Job con dolorosas llagas desde la planta del pie hasta la coronilla. Y Job, sentado en medio de las cenizas, tomó un pedazo de teja para rascarse constantemente. Su esposa le reprochó: —¿Todavía mantienes firme tu integridad? ¡Maldice a Dios y muérete! Job 2:4-9, Nueva Versión International

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

El cuento de Job es un cuento con muchas partes difíciles. El cuento nos pregunta creer El Señor eligió conversar con Satanás sobre un hombre buenísimo que se llama Job. El Señor decidió permitir a Job experimentar muchas cosas malísimas.

Entre las cosas malísimas que el Señor permitió poder a Job, la esposa de Job reprochó Job «¿Todavía mantienes firme tu integridad? ¡Maldice a Dios y muérete!»

Vamos a ir directamente al punto: No es chulo cuando una persona dice aquellas cosas a una persona que tiene muchos problemas sin aquellas palabras. Aquellas palabras son palabras violencia y crueldad. Una esposa que dice aquellas cosas no ama a su esposo. Un esposo que dice las mismas cosas no ama a su esposa. Ninguna persona que dice aquellas palabras no ama a la persona que recibe.

Una Canción Nueva: Psalm 23

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“The LORD is my shepherd. I lack nothing. He lets me rest in grassy meadows; he leads me to restful waters; he keeps me alive. He guides me in proper paths for the sake of his good name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger because you are with me. Your rod and your staff– they protect me. You set a table for me right in front of my enemies. You bathe my head in oil; my cup is so full it spills over! Yes, goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the LORD’s house as long as I live.” Psalm 23, Common English Bible

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

In truth, all the grass in my life is not peaceful or green. Sometimes the grass in many parts is green and healthy, but other parts are brown and scorched by the sun.

My soul aches when I think about the past and when I think about my children. I understand that we live in this country where women are hurt and were hurt because they were women. The situation for women is very bad and I wish it were different.

It is true, but men don’t need to be subjected to the same evils we don’t wish on women. To choose between those two options is a false dichotomy. When we choose to live with domestic violence for females, males, or non-binary people, we choose to ignore people from places with torrential waters and torment.

The psalm was written to be a word of hope for people walking in dark valleys. The psalm was written to be a strong word for people who are afraid when they are around enemies. We love Psalm 23. Can we bring the wonderful gifts of the psalm to all people who are hurt by domestic violence?

“El SEÑOR es mi pastor, nada me falta; en verdes pastos me hace descansar. Junto a tranquilas aguas me conduce; me infunde nuevas fuerzas. Me guía por sendas de justicia por amor a su nombre. Aun si voy por valles tenebrosos, no temo peligro alguno porque tú estás a mi lado; tu vara de pastor me reconforta. Dispones ante mí un banquete en presencia de mis enemigos. Has ungido con perfume mi cabeza; has llenado mi copa a rebosar. La bondad y el amor me seguirán todos los días de mi vida; y en la casa del SEÑOR habitaré para siempre.” Salmo 23, Nueva Versión Internacional

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

En verdad todo el pasto en mi vida no es tranquilo o verde. A veces el césped en muchas partes es verde y sano, pero otras partes son marrones y chamuscar del sol.

Mi alma me duele cuando pienso sobre el pasado y cuando pienso sobre mis hijos. Yo entiendo que vivimos en este país donde las mujeres reciben danos y recibieron danos porque eran mujeres. La situación de las mujeres es malísima y yo deseo que sea diferente.

Es verdad, pero los hombres tambien no necesitan recibir los mismos mal que no deseamos para mujeres. Para elegir entre esas dos opciones hay una falsa dicotomía. Cuando elegimos vivir con violencia doméstica para femeninos, masculino, o no binarios, elegimos ignorar personas de sitios con aguas torrentes y tormentos.

El salmo fue escrito para ser una palabra de esperanza para las personas que caminan en valles tenebrosos. El salmo fue escrito para ser una palabra fuerte para personas que tienen miedos cuando están cerca de enemigos. Nos encanta el salmo 23.  ¿Podemos traer los buenísimos regalos del salmo a todas las personas que tienen el dano de violencia doméstica?

Una Canción Nueva: The Silent Message

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In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

These sentences are a thought from the introduction to the book “Telling the Truth: Preaching about Sexual and Domestic Violence” by editors McClure and Ramsay:

“The silence, however, is not really silent. It sends a clear ‘hands off’ message to victims, perpetrators, and bystanders. At the very least, this silence communicates to victims that they are alone with their suffering. To perpetrators it says that the church does not hold them accountable for their evil actions. To bystanders it says that it is okay to remain on the sidelines of a brutal and sometimes brutal game.”

It’s true. The silence is deafening. God’s people have voices for many things, but the silence when people experience domestic violence is deafening. Together with the people of the world, the song of silence is deafening.

No person deserves that silence. These people already experience radical evil, pain, and violence. Why don’t God’s people speak out about this radical and silent evil?

I get nauseous when I see my abuser wearing a t-shirt that says “This Pastor Loves You” as I remember the pain and hurt of the past. Why are you silent, God’s people? Why didn’t you speak up?

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

Esta oraciones son un pensamiento de la introducción del libro “Telling the Truth: Preaching about Sexual and Domestic Violence” por los editores McClure y Ramsay:

“Sin embargo, el silencio no es realmente silencio. Envía un mensaje claro de ‘no intervención’ a las víctimas, a los perpetradores y a los espectadores. Por lo menos, este silencio comunica a las víctimas que están solas con su sufrimiento. A los perpetradores les dice que la iglesia no los hace responsables de sus malas acciones. A los espectadores les dice que está bien permanecer al margen de un juego brutal y a veces mortal.”

Es verdad. El silencio es ensordecedor. El pueblo de Dios tiene voces para muchas cosas, pero el silencio cuando las personas experimentan violencia doméstica es ensordecedor. Juntas con la gente del mundo, la canción de silencio es ensordecedora.

Ninguna persona merece ese silencio. Esas personas ya experimentan mal radical, dolor, y violencia. ¿Por qué el pueblo de Díos no habla sobre este mal radical y silencioso?

Me estoy mareando cuando veo a mi abusadora llevando una camiseta que dice “Este pastor te ama” y recuerdo la pena y dolor del pasado. ¿Por qué el silencio, el pueblo de Dios? ¿Por qué no habló?

Una Canción Nueva: Singing about Pouring Water

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“I’m poured out like water. All my bones have fallen apart. My heart is like wax; it melts inside me. My strength is dried up like a piece of broken pottery. My tongue sticks to teh roof of my mouth; you’ve set me down in the dirt of death.” Psalm 22:14-15, Common English Bible (CEB)

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

These sentences are a though from the introduction to the book “Telling the Truth: Preaching about Sexual and Domestic Violence” by editors McClure and Ramsay:

“These psalms are the words of our tradition, words spoken and prayed in worship. They are laments and petitions uttered by victims of radical evil, pain, and violence. These whispers, cries, and prayers are not only to be spoke by victims or survivors of violence. The people of God has spoken these words together across time, as if to say, ‘We the congregation, will not keep silent’ in the face of such violence.”

I would like to hear these words and psalms more in the church and from the mouths of God’s people. I often feel alone as a survivor of domestic violence. Often both my masculine words and my masculine experiences are dismissed or labeled as pitiful. God’s people can speak these words without the shame I feel and experience.

No healthy person wants or desires an experience with domestic violence. Often those experiences are experiences with people in their families and their friends. Those experiences are horrible and awful. Survivors of domestic violence already work hard to survive and do not need to speak up when it is difficult to live with their experiences.

Could you please speak louder, people of God? Wake up! We need your support and your voices.

«Como agua he sido derrarmado; dislocados están todos mis huesos. Mi corazón se ha vuelto como cera, y se derrite en mis entrañas. Se ha secado mi vigor como una teja; la lengua se me paga al paladar. ¡Me has hundido en el polvo de la muerte!» Salmo 22:14-15, Nueva Versión Internacional (NVI)

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

Esta oraciones son un pensamiento de la introducción del libro “Telling the Truth: Preaching about Sexual and Domestic Violence” por los editores McClure y Ramsay:

“Estos salmos son las palabras de nuestra tradición, palabras pronunciadas y rezadas en el culto. Son lamentos y peticiones pronunciadas por víctimas del mal radical, el dolor y la violencia. Estos susurros, gritos y oraciones no deben ser pronunciados únicamente por víctimas o sobrevivientes de la violencia. El pueblo de Dios ha pronunciado estas palabras en conjunto a lo largo del tiempo, como si quisiera decir: ‘Nosotros, la congregación, no nos quedaremos callados’ frente a tal violencia”.

Me gustaría escuchar más estas palabras y salmos en la iglesia y en las bocas del pueblo de Dios. A menudo me siento solo como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica. a menudo ambas mis palabras masculinas y mis experiencias masculinas son descartadas o tildadas de penosas. El pueblo de Dios puede pronunciar estas palabras sin la pena me siento y experiencia.

Ninguna persona sana desea o desea una experiencia con violencia doméstica. A menudo aquellas experiencias son experiencias con personas en sus familias y de sus amigos. Aquellas experiencias son horribles y malísimas. Los sobrevivientes de violencia doméstica ya trabajan duro para sobrevivir y no necesitan hablar cuando es difícil vivir con sus experiencias.

¿Podría hablar más alto, pueblo de Dios? ¡Despabílate! Necesitamos su apoyo y sus voces

About Anonymous Letters (Sobre Cartas Anónimas)

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I received an anonymous letter yesterday. Probably, the letter was written to help us with the life of the church. My problem with the letter was this letter had a lot of accusations about the church and the people in the church. The letter had many words except the name of the person writing the letter. The letter did not have a way to have a conversation about the writer’s problems with the church or the people of the church.

I am no stranger to conversations about problems with the church or church people. Conversations like those in the letter are very normal in my pastoral life, but those conversations are two-way. An anonymous letter is not a two-way conversation. The accusations in the anonymous letter could not lead to a healthy conversation because all the problems it presents are others people’s problems. Only one person did not have a problem: the writer.

Anonymous letters rarely help make things better. Rarely, anonymous letters help the writer to have courage, but those letters hurt all the people who receive the hurtful words with no two-way conversation. In my opinion, anonymous letters are hurtful and irresponsible because they are usually self-centered and selfish.

It is possible that this anonymous letter was written with good intentions, but the letter was written to a person who received many messages with bad intentions in the past. I am a survivor of gaslighting and I have no way to be sure anonymous messages are not sent with the same intentions that my abuser had because such messages have already happened in past years.

Sorry, anonymous, friend, but I can’t consider your thoughts without your identity. Please, find courage and write again with your name.

Yo recibe una carta anónima ayer. Probablemente, la carte estuve escribe a nos ayudar con la vida de la iglesia. Mi problema con la carta estuvo esta carta tuvo muchas acusaciones sobre la iglesia y las personas en la iglesia. La carta tuvo muchas palabras excepto el nombre de la persona que escribe la carta. La carta no tuvo una vía para tener una conversación sobre aquellos problemas del escritor con la iglesia o la gente de la iglesia.

Soy no extraño a conversaciones sobre problemas con la iglesia o la gente de la iglesia. Las conversaciones tan aquellas en la carta son muy normales en mi vida pastoral, pero aquellas conversaciones son de doble dirección. Una carta anónima no es una conversación de doble dirección. Las acusaciones en la carta anónima no pudieron conducir a una conversación sana porque todas las problemas que presenta son problemas de otras personas. Solamente una persona no tuvo una problema: el escritor.

Cartas anónimas raramente ayudan a hacer cosas mejores. Raramente, las cartas anónimas ayudan al escritor a tener valor, pero aquellas cartas malan todas las personas que reciben las palabras hirientes con no conversación de doble dirección. En mi opinión, las cartas anónimas son hierientes y irresponsables porque están usualmente egocéntricas y  egoístas.

Es posible que esta carta anónima estuviera escrita con intenciones buenas, pero la carta estuviera escrita a una persona que recibiera muchos mensajes con intenciones malas en el pasado. Estoy un superviviente de luz de gas, y no tengo una via a tener certeza mensajes anónimas no son mandaron con las mismas intenciones que mi abusador tuvo porque mensajes tan ya pasaron en el años pasados.

Lo siento, amigo anónimo, pero no puedo a considerar sus pensamientos sin su identidad. Por favor, obtiene valor y escribe de nuevo con su nombre.

Querido Jesús: Salmo 24

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«Quien es así recibe bendiciones del Señor; el Dios de su salvación le hará justicia. Tal es la generación de los que a ti acuden, de los que buscan tu rostro, oh Dios de Jacob» Salmo 24:5-6, Nuevo Versión Internacional (NVI)

Querido Jesús, deseo que mis manos siempre limpiaron y mi corazón siempre pero. Ayer hablábamos de mi vida, mis niños, y mi ex esposa. Anoche miré por el amanecer de la mañana y por la esperanza de tu misericordia. Hoy no sé cual es mi camino. Cuando las personas egocéntricas están luchando conmigo, deseo obtener tu paz con todo mi corazón.

Quería verte en los días pasados. Quería  verte, me Redemptor, cuando estuve sufriendo de patadas a mis tripas ¿Dónde estuiviste cuando necesituve ayudarme?

Quiero confiar en tus palabras en Salmo 24. Quiero estar confiando. A veces, no te comprendo. A veces, mi esperanza y mi duda luchamos dentro de mi. Quiero verte porque «soy un hombre de labios impuros y vivo en medio de un pueblo de labios impuros». (Isaías 6:6) Quiero tú ayudame porque mis pensamientos susurran que la charla es barata y me dices nunca tus palabras son baratas.

Esta es una plegaria longa en Español para mi. Estoy complicado y está plegaria es muy complicada. Quiero hablar claramente contigo de estas cosas, pero mis pensamientos se están confundiendo y son difíciles. No logro quedarme en silencio porque tengo responsabilidades pastoral al hablar de estas cosas para romper en silencio. Cuando otras ven mis palabras deseo dar valentía a ellos. Dividas mis palabras en esta plegaraia y ayudame a tener la misma valentía de que les ofrezco otras. Amén

“Whoever is like this receives blessings from the Lord; the God of their salvation will give them justice. Such is the generation of those who come to you, of those who seek your face, O God of Jacob.” Psalm 24:5-6, translated from NVI

Dear Jesus, I wish that my hands were always clean and my heart always clean. Yesterday we were talking about my life, my children, and my ex-wife. Last night I looked for the morning dawn and for the hope of your mercy. Today I don’t know what my path is. When self-centered people are fighting with me, I wish to obtain your peace with all my heart.

I wanted to see you in the past days. I wanted to see you, my Redeemer, when I was suffering from kicks to my guts. Where were you when I needed help?

I want to trust in your words in Psalm 24. I want to be trusting. Sometimes, I don’t understand you. Sometimes my hope and my doubt fight inside me. I want to see you because “I am a man of impure lips and I live in the middle of a town of impure lips.” (Isaiah 6:5) I want you to help me because my thoughts whisper that talk is cheap and you tell me your words are never cheap.

This is a long prayer in Spanish for me. I am complicated and this prayer is very complicated. I want to talk clearly to you about these things, but my thoughts are getting confused and difficult. I can’t stay silent because I have pastoral responsibilities to talk about these things to break the silence. When others see my words I want to give them courage. Divide my words in this prayer and help me to have the same courage that I offer others. Amen.

Returning Resolution

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I’m resubmitting my resolution to the Annual Conference in 2024 that was ignored by the 2023 Annual Conference. Why? The reality is that we didn’t get to the work, but the work still needs to be done. Is it weird to submit a petition for 2028’s General Conference in 2024 before the General Conference in 2024? Possibly. Will it be considered out of order? Probably. Will I lift it up anyway? Yes. What better way to celebrate “National Be Heard Day”? (Yes, I know it is about advertising, but I see a nudging where others see an ad campaign to get small businesses to pay for more advertising. An advertising campaign to get small businesses to spend more on advertising: that’s a bold strategy)

Will it be rejected out of hand? Probably. It is pretty early to consider the subject, so I guess I will have to bring it up again. That’ll be three times I’ve raised the issue. Then maybe four times. Then possibly five times. I wonder how many times it will take before it becomes clear the goal is raising the issue because we met a resolution on the unethical use of silence around IPV with even more deafening silence.

Also, before I bore you, here’s a helpful set of resources if you’re a church official and have asked yourself how you would even begin to ascertain if there’s a problem in your setting or even how you go about home visitation. It could possibly be really helpful for a Safe Sanctuaries training for those working with vulnerable adults. It includes tools for assessing how prepared you are and how your tools are working. Kudos, Minnesota Department of Health: thanks for the help.

Title: Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence Awareness

Since the 2016 publication of the Book of Resolutions and Book of Discipline, the United States’ Center for Disease Control has released information through their publication “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence ” indicating that almost one in two women (47.3% or 59 million) in the United States and more than 40 percent (44.2% or 52.1 million) of U.S. men reported contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking victimization by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

On a global scale, for the year ending March 2022, the Crime Survey for England and Wales estimated that 1.7 million women and 699,000 men aged 16 years and over experienced domestic abuse in the last year. This is a prevalence rate of approximately seven in 100 women and three in 100 men for that single year. In addition, while numbers are not equally reported with the same statistical standards across various cultures and communities, the World Health Organization has stated that slightly less than 1 in 3 women (30%) have experienced sexual violence. It can be inferred that this issue is global in nature and should be addressed more thoroughly by our Book of Resolutions and our Book of Discipline.

Whereas The United Methodist Church is already on record as stating: “We recognize that family violence and abuse in all its forms—verbal, psychological, physical, sexual—is detrimental to the covenant of the human community.” (2016 Book of Discipline ¶ 161.II.H)

Whereas The United Methodist Church is already on record naming sexual violence and abuse as sins and pledging to work for their eradication (“Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse,” 2000 Book of Resolutions; “Violence Against Women and Children,” 2008 Book of Resolutions).

Whereas The United Methodist Church is called to express itself both carefully and clearly in matters that affect all people of sacred worth which includes both those who experience and perpetrate acts of contact sexual violence, physical violence, and or/stalking victimization. (2016 Book of Discipline ¶ 161.II.H)

Whereas it is statistically probable that whenever any given United Methodist Church within the United States gathers more than 40% of people in that community may have experienced (or may experience in the future) contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking victimization regardless of their gender, sexual, and/or cultural identities. It is also statistically probable that whenever a congregation of The United Methodist Church gathers around our world, around 30% of the women gathered within our communities may have potentially experienced gendered violence.

Whereas there may be cultural norms and mores that allow certain aspects of these actions to go unreported or unspoken due to the gender, sexual, or cultural expectations placed on individuals of sacred worth by forces outside of those individuals both within and without church communities.

Whereas there are places within our Church and cultural spaces where the silence is deafening, especially when there are often comorbid conditions that can further complicate conversation (i.e., mental illness, addiction, toxic expectations, etc.).

Whereas there should be places within our Church and local churches where individuals can find support, affirmation, and resources from the church community during moments when abuse may be clouding the ability to research church stances, affirmations, resolutions, and resources.

Whereas the Book of Discipline is one resource that touches every level of our connectional church and is one place where our church looks for guidance when considering the nature of our ministry together as a “Nurturing Community.” The Book of Discipline ¶161 on “The Nurturing Community” is one place where we acknowledge that we are called to help people of sacred worth who may be facing the difficult and isolating experiences previously mentioned.

Therefore be it resolved that the 2028 General Conference insert the statement (bold) into Book of 19 Discipline, ¶161.H:

“We recognize that family violence and abuse in all its forms—verbal, psychological, physical, sexual—is detrimental to the covenant of the human community. We recognize that these forms of insidious violence affect people of sacred worth of every gender, sexual, and cultural identity. These detrimental acts are often overlooked, ignored, downplayed, or met with silence. We encourage the Church to provide a safe environment, counsel, and support for the victim and to work with the abuser to understand the root causes and forms of abuse and to overcome such behaviors. Regardless of the cause or the abuse, both the victim and the abuser need the love of the Church. While we deplore the actions of the abuser, we affirm that person needs God’s redeeming love.”

Fear as the Gatekeeper

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“Fear keeps some people in dead-end jobs and environments so miserable that they dread going to work—and yet they come back day after day because they are afraid to go into another field that would actually excite them. I’ve known people who stayed in abusive marriages because they were more afraid of venturing into the unknown than of staying with their abuser.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

Fear is sometimes the biggest gatekeeper to change. There are often other collaborating factors that keep us in our place, but fear itself can be the hardest obstacle to overcome. Rev. Hamilton writes about people who allow fear to keep them in abusive marriages in our chapter this week. He’s right.

I am in long-term recovery from a disease that I would likely have had resting in the background even if I never picked up a bottle. My mother was an alcoholic and I am one too. I often speak about how alcoholism is not a four-letter word and regularly point out how there is hope for people facing alcoholism both during communion services and throughout the week both at work and in my personal life.

I don’t often share openly about how strong a factor fear was in my own disease. I should have had both the education and the experience to know just how dangerous it was to mix alcohol with fear. It was easier to drink than to face the things I was afraid of doing. Standing up for myself, my children, and my future should have been a higher priority than escapism, but it wasn’t because I was afraid. I was afraid of my former partner, my district superintendent, and even the church leaders who really wanted what was best for me even when all I could hear was criticism. I was afraid.

After being called forward by Jesus, Simon Peter stepped out of the boat. He was able to take a few steps and live the kind of life many of us dream of experiencing. He didn’t run a marathon out on the waves, but he stepped further out into the unknown than any of the other disciples. He risked it all and found Jesus out on the waves.

On different seas, I risked it all. I could have scraped and cowered further, but I stood up for myself. I stood up for myself and said I didn’t want to be abused anymore. When my former partner responded to my asking for freedom by calling my District Superintendent and sharing my medical history without consent, I stood with my head tall in my conversation with my supervisor. I admitted I had a problem, had been working towards recovery for years, told her what I had been doing and what I was doing about it, and worked within the covenant community to find a way forward. I was honest with my SPRC and eventually spoke about my experiences openly from the pulpit. I risked stepping out into some pretty serious wind and waves in order to break the shackles of fear.

I don’t regret standing up for myself. In recovery circles, we talk about how we come to not regret the past nor wish to change it because the road we have walked down gives us the tools to help other people. The waves can be choppy and I have had to reach out a time or two, but I know one thing: I never want to feel the shackle of fear around my neck again. I would rather live in honest, open recovery than seek to hide my identity again. I’m grateful for the freedom that came from stumbling out of that boat.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Regularly Reluctant

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“There are times when Jesus asks us to do things that we don’t want to do, when we feel tired, or when what we’re being asked to do seems to make no sense to us. I have, on many occasions, been a very reluctant disciple. For us, the deep water is the place where Jesus calls us to go when we’d rather stay on the shore. We feel Christ calling and we drag our feet, and sometimes we even say no.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

There’s an old story that has been going around for what seems to be as long as I have been a Christian. The story is often called “Footprints in the Sand.” It tells the story of Jesus looking back over the life of someone as she notes that there are two sets of footprints on the beach of life. Sometimes the two are there together, side by side. Sometimes one set walks alone.

The faithful woman looks to Jesus with disappointment and talks about how sad it was to walk alone through the dark times. To her surprise, Jesus gently tells her that she is mistaken. Where there are only two feet walking in the sand, it isn’t that God was absent in such moments. Instead, those were the moments where Jesus was carrying her.

My favorite versions of the story then have the woman asking about the places where there is one set of footprints and two long ditches. Sometimes, she dug in her heels and had to be pulled along. In the really amusing versions, Jesus then goes on to explain the trails of fingerprints desperately clawing into the earth.

Do I identify with Rev. Hamilton saying that there are moments where we sometimes selectively listen, drag our feet, or even say no to God’s call on our lives? Yes. I will admit that I have had moments where I selectively listened, drug my own feet, and even said no with a stamping foot. Was that healthy? Generally not, but the past is what it is and there’s no going back to change things.

Sometimes I have absolutely said no to what God had for me. For years I refused to talk about my experiences, refused to ask for help, and even turned away the people who expressed concern about the ways I was dealing with my stress. To use recovery language, I was building up resentments and using tools to deal with problems that would eventually become problems as big as the original challenges. Instead of saying yes to God and yes to others, I determinedly and pig-headedly stuck to my plan. I didn’t need help, I didn’t need assistance, and I didn’t need anyone to advocate for me.

I was stubborn as a mule and was treated like one as a result of my own choices. Instead of saying no and asking for help, I become more and more entangled with my own pride. Hear me clearly: even when other issues raged, my pride was debilitating. Was Jesus there at my side offering help? Yes. Could I have asked for help at any time? Yes. Could I have even listened when people asked why I was being verbally assaulted in a gas station in front of church members by my partner? Yes. Did I do such things? No. I refused to go out into the water. I refused to let down my nets. I refused to ask for help and I continue to pay the consequences for not calling for help when violence entered my life by my own choices.

Here is some good news. I don’t have to be pig-headed today. I can choose to love someone who loves me back, choose to offer her my best while offering her the ability to set her own boundaries, and I can set my own boundaries and expect her to honor them. I can not only recover from that side of things, but I can ask her to support me as I recover from my disease. How wonderful is it when a relationship is healthy enough that the boundaries and enouragements become a given when neither person wants to hurt the other one?

Friends, you can go into the deep waters and let down the nets. You can recover even if you struggle with substance abuse and/or domestic violence. You can find community to love you and support you both within church doors and within twelve-step groups. You can let the nets down when God asks you to set out into deep waters.

Will it be easy? Maybe not. Will you be reluctant? I once was. Will it be better even when all of the comfortable things that go with the bad things go away? Someday, yes, but it takes time. There is hope and you don’t have to do things alone.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Expectations and Disappointments

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“Christ always shows a very slender appreciation of any act of religion or of ethics which does not reach beyond the stage of compulsion. What is done because it must be done; because the law requires it, or because society expects it, or because convention prescribes it, or because the doer of it is afraid of consequences if he omits it, may, of course, be rightly done and meritoriously done, but an act on that level is not yet quite in the region where for Christ the highest moral and religious acts have their spring.”

Quaker Theologian Rufus Jones, 1916

What does it mean to have an expectation of other people? Is expecting them to do their best an empty expectation doomed to failure? Is expecting them to live up to their principles and their vows an expectation based upon madness? Is expecting someone else to keep their word the very same as building a house on shifting sands? Do we actually expect it will stand when the rains come?

Sadly, experience tells me that trusting others is perhaps an act of folly. At the same time, while there are times when promises fall flat and it can be insanity to trust other people to do what they say, it is perhaps best to consider the fact that none of us are precisely and perfectly sane all of the time. The religious way of stating this has been that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. If we expect others to be perfect, then we are expecting a perfection that we ourselves know we are incapable of executing. While we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, most people in the faith I truly respect understand that they are going towards perfection and are not actually absolutely perfect at the moment.

So, how do we know whether or not we should trust others? How do we know whether or not we should place our trust in someone after our heart is broken or promises tossed aside as chaff? I think that Rufus Jones had a wise thought that applies here. Jones points out in “The Inner Life” that there are people who legalistically attempt to live up to the rules of religion. In particular, he takes umbrage with those who take the passage about going the second mile too literally. Surely any religious practice that is willing to literally go another mile without going deeply into the meaning behind the request is looking only at the wrapping paper on the present of Jesus’ words.

Is it good to go the extra mile? Probably! Still, Jones points out a grievous reality within that obedience: “But there was no spontaneity in his religion, no free initiative, no enthusiastic passion, no joyous abandon, no gratuitous and uncalculating acts. He did things enough, but he did them because he had to do them, not because some mighty love possessed him and flooded him and inspired him to go not only the expected mile, but to go on without any calculation out beyond milestones altogether.”

Doing things because they’re just enough is valuable at some level, but that’s not the goal. Similarly, keeping one’s word just because one must or because a person is commanded to do so by some sort of authority is not nearly the same thing as doing something because you are motivated by spontaneous love, free choice, and the gracious life that comes from Christ. There’s a distinct difference between doing something right because one must and doing so because one’s being is expressed through those actions.

This perspective is valuable to me as I continue to question my own ability to make commitments after a past of difficulties. For neither love nor money can I convince someone from my past to give me appropriate access to my children despite their best interests. To be entirely honest, the court system seems equally impotent at showing her any sort of accountability to a standard of behavior. It is like the wild-west to be anywhere near the person from that relationship and it is safer to be out in the desert than walking down the street with all those tumbleweeds.

At one level Jones’ words seem inapplicable. There’s what Jones suggests as Christian behavior, what Jones sees as legalistic behavior, and then there’s just that level of behavior we’re dealing with where both Jesus and the Pharisees would likely shake their heads in disgust. “Go and sin no more” seems like a bit of an understatement.

At another level, consider the fact that the person I want to trust in my life has done none of the things my former partner has done. She has acted honorably, charitably, and graciously. She does things like ask me for my consent and lets me admit that I am just broken without treating me like someone from the isle of misfit toys. She’s doing all the right things and she’s doing them because it comes from the heart and not some pharasitical set of rules. At the moment, she’s the whole package: someone who I like, adore, and who would be an awesome blessing to me and someone I want my children to know.

So, how do we learn to trust? I think the only answer is the one I learned in recovery. We choose to trust one day at a time. When things don’t add up, we remember our own past and the mistakes of our past, consider our own part in things, and, whenever possible, try again. We make consensual amends when our character defects harm others and we are willing to let others make consensual amends to us. We choose to care and to try while understanding that the person we meet today or tomorrow may not be the person that we once met in the past, especially if they are literally not the same person who broke our hearts.

Sad Poetry

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Christmas has come and gone. I received one text saying merry Christmas and the 28 second phone call where am I child told me all she could do was say Merry Christmas and hang up. There were relatives standing by, I could hear them. They were the same ones who stood by and congratulated me at my wedding. The same ones who said they cared. Not a single message explaining: just the silence of complicity.

There’s a possibility I’ll see them this weekend, but I doubt it. There’s no visitation arranged for January or anytime soon. there is a motion to dismiss my case, because nothing has gone wrong since July. I was guaranteed visits, between six and twelve of them. I saw my two kids once or twice, but haven’t seen my oldest since July.

So I walk in the cold and write poetry, wondering if next year will be any different. I doubt it. In the meantime, the cold reminds me I’m still alive and the pain is lifted like a prayer. At least I have no more bruises than the ones I have on my heart

Twenty eight seconds
and one "Merry Christmas" text:
What did you expect?
Contact was all you wanted 
so that's what she took away.

Will the court help me?
Does the sun rise twice a day?
That seems more likely 
than for a judge to enforce 
when the victim is father

Poem in need of expression

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I don’t have my own “word salad”:
My thoughts often get quite jumbled
and forgetting leaves me humbled,
but my soul is quite clear.

I care for people with my heart
and my head runs away at times.
If that is the worst of my crimes
then let me live in peace

If I could clear out hateful words
and live as if my life mattered
instead of this feeling scattered 
I might come to find peace.

Instead I hear her voice shredding
any confident words I share
as I seek to just show I care
I hear: “its word salad”

Post-Court Lament

/ Robert D / Leave a comment 
I should change my name.
"Curse God and die already."
Job’s name would fit well,
as I, also, do refuse
to give in to the sorrow. 

Here I sit in ash:
Emmanuel hear my cry.
As sun sets again,
I would prefer a whirlwind
to agonizing silence.

Peaceful night

/ Robert D / Leave a comment 
The wind shifts the leaves
The moon dimly glows this night
as peace covers all

No rude words out there
No deeds to fear in this home
Peace swaddles with hope

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

It is okay

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

I worked a lot today. I wrote over 40 letters to people in my church, prepared the slideshow for tomorrow, and designed and rendered the pre-church video slideshow. My fingers hurt and my back aches from inactivity after only walking around four miles and sitting so much.

I want to post every day this month for domestic violence awareness, but I don’t think I have a poem with me and I know I don’t have a long drawn out dissertation based on some part of the Book of Resolutions or the Book of Worship.

What I do have is my own character and experience. I had a long conversation yesterday with someone going through similar life circumstances. We were talking about how it is so easy to lose hope or to be swallowed by anger. I am fortunate enough to have a religious belief system that’s big enough and broad enough to allow me to give to God the things that I can’t always carry, like my anger or frustration.

It isn’t much for tonight, but I can offer this little bit of wisdom to people going through similar circumstances . You don’t have to carry everything all the time. You can let go of your anger, frustration, or even hatred for a few minutes and it will be okay.

If you’re religious like me, perhaps you can trust your higher power to carry your burdens for a little bit. If you’re not religious, maybe it is okay to take a few minutes and watch a funny movie or call a friend to share a cuppa coffee. You don’t have to carry everything all the time, especially things as painful and toxic as anger.

Friends, perhaps we don’t have to be fancy tonight. Rest up for tomorrow is coming.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

It is okay

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

I worked a lot today. I wrote over 40 letters to people in my church, prepared the slideshow for tomorrow, and designed and rendered the pre-church video slideshow. My fingers hurt and my back aches from inactivity after only walking around four miles and sitting so much.

I want to post every day this month for domestic violence awareness, but I don’t think I have a poem with me and I know I don’t have a long drawn out dissertation based on some part of the Book of Resolutions or the Book of Worship.

What I do have is my own character and experience. I had a long conversation yesterday with someone going through similar life circumstances. We were talking about how it is so easy to lose hope or to be swallowed by anger. I am fortunate enough to have a religious belief system that’s big enough and broad enough to allow me to give to God the things that I can’t always carry, like my anger or frustration.

It isn’t much for tonight, but I can offer this little bit of wisdom to people going through similar circumstances . You don’t have to carry everything all the time. You can let go of your anger, frustration, or even hatred for a few minutes and it will be okay.

If you’re religious like me, perhaps you can trust your higher power to carry your burdens for a little bit. If you’re not religious, maybe it is okay to take a few minutes and watch a funny movie or call a friend to share a cuppa coffee. You don’t have to carry everything all the time, especially things as painful and toxic as anger.

Friends, perhaps we don’t have to be fancy tonight. Rest up for tomorrow is coming.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

A Poem born from Lamentations

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The other day I shared a blessing from the United Methodist Book of Worship “For a Victim or Survivor of Crime or Oppression.” Since that day I have been working toward raising awareness by writing poetry based on the suggested poetry found in that blessing.

Today I wrote a poem based on Lamentations 3:1-24, which can be found in the Common English Bible through this hyperlink. As I pondered the reading, it seemed pretty dark at first. I was wondering what the compilers of the Book of Worship were thinking until I came across the shift from verses 19-24, which I found startling and incredibly powerful.

Verse 19 compares the feelings of homelessness and affliction to being poisoned to the brim with bitterness. I understood those feelings as I consider my past. I remember more than the feelings that came about in the first days after I filed for divorce. I remembered tears from a broken heart behind closed doors, sodden pillowcases, and the bitter feeling of knowing that promises made at the altar meant nothing. The shame, the guilt, the uselessness, and futility still come to mind easily even after time has begun to heal my wounds.

After all of this comes to mind, does Jeremiah give up hope? No, instead the very pain in Jeremiah’s soul transforms from a place of broken doubt to a place of stubborn waiting. The grief and loss do not translate into a faithless existence but into a spirit that will steadfastly wait for God to act. This! This is a feeling I know! “Waking” after sleepless nights, pulling on my boots, and stepping into my role as a minister with all of the confidence I could despite my own sorrow. This I know!

Helping church members say goodbye to loved ones with the compassion that comes from knowing what it is like to come home to an empty home! That was an act of faithful waiting! Sharing communion with people with the understanding that comes from knowing what it means to share a “meal” with others when you eat alone the rest of the week. That was an act of faithful waiting! Listening to the troubles of others knowing what it is like to have nobody at home to listen to my struggles. That was an act of faithful waiting!

Even now, I wait. The poem I wrote is as much a prayer for God to act as it is a piece of poetry inspired by this passage. I hope it is helpful and brings to mind the reality that brokenness does not mean that healing is beyond you.

"Homeless and poisoned in my inmost soul"
I ponder the broken and sleepless nights.
Endless tears fell into fathomless hole
as I thought of all of my stolen rights.

Future empty and present in shambles,
hopeful words called out from the ancient past
before wounds left me with frothing rambles:
that place where only ashes seem to last.

I remember the hope flickering faint.
I beheld the light that would not go out.
Even shattered, the call to be a saint,
not of perfect life, but one lived through doubt.

I remember and still I sit and wait
for the Just One to come bearing our fate.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Poem on one of Isaiah’s Visions

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The other day I posted a blessing from the Book of Worship “for those who “For a Victim of Crime or Oppression.” Within that blessing were several recommended scriptures, which I am now using in the task of writing poetry based on the imagery and promises found in those verses. Today I am posting on Isaiah 59:6b-8, 15b-18, which can be found here in the Common English Bible. I hope these poems are helpful both to people who have gone through Domestic Abuse or Violence and for people who might not understand how such verses affect and strike a person who has gone through that experience.

Today’s poem leans a bit into the spookiness of Halloween if you read the poem from the outside. I really do not believe that the author of this passage was writing from the outside of pain and suffering. Spider-like (in the most stereotypical sense) is great imagery to use for the wicked in this passage, and I say that as someone with passing bouts of arachnophobia. 

Poison dripping fangs, a macabre sight
as wicked ones weave ill within deep gloom.
Eldritch clothing from fevered, frightful night
covers little malice born of the tomb.

Desolate pain drenched cries reach out to plea
Dark bruises, broken bones, sharp tongues and lies
echo the words of lives full of debris
from lonely places where hope often dies.

Would You rise to wrap knuckles and square up
for those they rendered voiceless and oppressed?
Many have had to drink the bitter cup
forced to the lips of those who live distressed.

Ringside, black-eyed, we look to You with hope
and dream of when we will do more than cope.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Poem on Job’s Sorrow

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This poem was written as a reflection on Job 3:1-26. In that passage Job is broken, shattered, and ready to breathe his last breath. I have felt like Job, have cried in the night, and eventually found a place where peace began to fill my heart again. This poem also references Jeremiah 31:29-30.

Perish the day that I first took a breath?
Would my heavy gaze fall on mirrored sight
and see any reason to wish for death?
Would narrowed eyes see so little this night?

Job calls out with a heavy-ladened cry
In his words there are cryptic broken dreams
bloody losses soak visions dark with dye
heart shattered, soul scarred, will torn at the seams.

There is room for new thoughts within my heart
that twirl and show that pain may be passing.
Sisyphean burden left at the start
as sour grapes are left to those harassing.

Let their teeth chatter in deserved sorrow
and may Job find new hope for tomorrow.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

“For a VIctim or Survivor of Crime or Oppression”

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The following is shamelessly borrowed from the United Methodist Book of Worship. I share the content as the content was designed to be used by pastors (which I am) as a tool to share with those who need to hear the words (which I am doing here as an Ordained Elder within the United Methodist Church: (from the preface to the Book of Worship: “We believe that the United Methodist Book of Worship will strengthen our worship and empower our ministry and mission. May God’s grace be with all who use this book…”)).

I share this with the caveat that I did some altering on the pronoun options for inclusivity purposes. The following is the entry underneath the category of Blessings and is found on page 547-548 under the Heading of “For a VIctim or Survivor of Crime or Oppression”

Commentary: One of the following may be read before the blessing:
Job 3:1-26 (Lamentation of Job)
Isaiah 59:6b-8, 15b-18 (God appalled by evil and injustice)
Lamentations 3:1-24 (One who knows affliction)
Lamentations 3:49-59 (You come to my aid)
Matthew 5:1-10 (The Beatitudes)
Matthew 10:28-31 (Do not be afraid)
Luke 10:25-37

Commentary One of the following hymns from the United Methodist Hymnal may be sung before the blessing:
479, “Jesus , Lover of my Soul”
488, “Jesus Remember Me”
480, “O Love That Wilt Not Let me Go”
512, “Stand by Me”
507, “Through it all”

Lord God of liberation,
you saw your people as slaves in Egypt
and delivered them from captivity,
you see the works of violence and weep.
Relieve the suffering of (Name),
grant (him/her/them/zir) peace of mind
and a renewed faith in your protection and care.
Protect us all from the violence of others,
keep us safe from the weapons of hate,
and restore us to tranquility and peace.
We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

United Methodist Book of Worship, #547; (Book of Blessings, USA, 20th Century, alt.), alt.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Learning Self-Respect

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How do you teach respect to a child? I don’t mean tyrannical respect, but a general respect for other people (e.g., How do you teach them to be considerate of the needs of other people, to have gratitude for the efforts others put into their relationship, etc.).

I always thought the best way to teach my children was through the example of my own actions. To this day I don’t tear down my former partner in front of our kids and even have difficulty at times expressing how bad things were when that means I have to say things that cast my former partner in a negative light.

At one level, I have done an excellent job and not tearing down my former partner. I have given an example to my children on how you can live with someone difficult without having to constantly tear them down.

It isn’t as easy when I consider how I teach them self-respect. There are times when I show respect to my former partner by being silent about terrible things that have happened to me. I have bit my tongue and allowed things to stand over the years that were not acceptable

This blog post doesn’t have the answers on how you do that, but writing it will force me to think today about how I show my self respect, how I teach my children to respect themselves, and how all of that fits into my relationship with my former partner I wish my cojourneyers luck

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

A Reminder

/ Robert D / Leave a comment 
Like many good things 
Healing may take some time 
Treat yourself gently

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Keeping Perspective

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

This afternoon I had the joy of spending time with a former seminary classmate and his daughter over a cup of coffee. One of the largest struggles I have had to face while in recovery from both alcoholism and domestic violence has been the message that was handed to me by both my culture and my partner.

My culture taught me from an early age that alcoholics looked a certain way and were untrustworthy. I was not told that they had a disease with real physical roots. I was told that alcoholics drank out of paper bags under bridges or in book clubs depending on how much money was in their bank account. I was never given the perspective that an alcoholic was someone who could recover with support, care, and love. When I realized I had a problem with alcohol, I immediately was ashamed of who I was as a person despite the fact that I am a human being with a disease that was quite treatable and was not a one-way ticket to a lifestyle under a bridge.

My partner taught me through her actions and words that I wasn’t worthy of any better treatment than how society treated alcoholics. I was told multiple times that I was not good enough, was worthless, was inadequate, and told me, “God must love you because nobody else does.” Even though she is gone, I can still hear the exact inflection of and scorn in her voice as she cast such judgments over me and my value.

Do you know what my friend from seminary told me today? When my partner left, there was joyful cheering (along with the tears on the other end of the state). To be clear, they didn’t cheer because I was hurt. They were thankful that I was free from a sick and desperate situation that they saw coming years before I began to recognize what was happening. They believed in me, cared about me, and he went out of the way with his daughter to come and see me because I matter to them, which they did with the full and enthusiastic support of his wife (who is also my friend).

I often forget the simple truths my friend reminded me of this afternoon. I didn’t lose value because I became sick: I became a person in need of healing and support. I didn’t lose value because someone tore me to shreds: I just needed to look for value in people who believed in me, cared for me, and loved me as a friend and person. Now that the shackles are breaking, I can choose to keep investing in healthy relationships even as I continue to seek my freedom from the person who tore me down.

It is easy to forget how much we matter, especially if we are recovering from domestic abuse or an addiction. It is easy to forget that there may be people who love us and support us in spite of what others have said about us or done to us. Yes, God loves us: there may be people who love us as well.

If you’re recovering from abuse or addiction, may I invite you to believe that you have value? Although it is close to the end, may I suggest that a good thing to remember during National Suicide Prevention Week (which is also part of National Suicide Prevention Month, which is halfway to completion) is that you have value? As much as the tagline this month is about Domestic Violence, allow me to point out that in the United States you can dial 988 to reach someone who can support you if you are feeling suicidal. No matter what others may have told you, your life matters and I hope you stick around.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.