Una Canción Nueva: Psalm 126

October 24, 2024October 8, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

126When the LORD changed Zion’s circumstances for the better, it was like we had been dreaming. 2Our mouths were suddenly filled with laughter; our tongues were filled with joyful shouts. It was even said, at that time, among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them!” 3Yes, the LORD has done great things for us, and we are overjoyed. 4LORD, change our circumstances for the better, like dry streams in the desert waste! 5Let those who plant with tears reap the harvest with joyful shouts. 6Let those who go out, crying and carrying their seed, come home with joyful shouts, carrying bales of grain!
Psalm 126, Common English Bible

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

The above scripture is from the Revised Common Lectionary for next Sunday. I love this psalm so much. I like how the people have laughter and joyful songs. I love how the people are full of good things and I love how this psalm brings me hope for the future. I think we need to find more hope for living in this world.

Sometimes we feel like the pain never ends. When I decided to write every day for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I realized that the project was not easy. This project was written in Spanish and English is my first language. I needed to focus on all the words to write well.

This psalm reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13:8, which says, “Love will never fail, but prophecy will cease, tongues will fail, and knowledge will come to an end.” One day we won’t need those words, but today I love the words of this psalm. One day we will have justice, laughter, and joyful songs. Until then, we have hope.

1Cuando el SEÑOR hizo volver a *Sión a los cautivos, nos parecía estar soñando. 2Nuestra boca se llenó de risas; nuestra lengua, de canciones jubilosas. Hasta los otros pueblos decían: «El SEÑOR ha hecho grandes cosas por ellos.» 3Sí, el SEÑOR ha hecho grandes cosas por nosotros, y eso nos llena de alegría. 4Ahora, SEÑOR, haz volver a nuestros cautivos como haces volver los arroyos del desierto. 5El que con lágrimas siembra, con regocijo cosecha. 6El que llorando esparce la semilla, cantando recoge sus gavillas.
Salmo 126, Nueva Versión Internacional

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

La escritura de arriba es del Leccionario Común Revisado para el próximo domingo. Me encanta mucho este salmo. Me gusta cómo las personas tienen risas y canciones jubilosas. Me gusta mucho cómo las personas estan lleno de cosas buensimas y me encantan cómo este salmo trajeme esperanza para el futuro. Penso que necesitamos encontrar mas esperanza de vivir en este mundo.

A veces sentimos que el dolor nunca termina. Cuando decidí escribir todos los días para el Mes de Concientización sobre la Violencia Doméstica, me di cuenta de que el proyecto no era fácil. Este proyecto fue escrito en español y el inglés es mi primera lengua. Necesitaba concentrarme en todas las palabras para escribir bien.

Este salmo me recuerda a 1 Corintios 13:8, donde dice: “El amor nunca dejará de existir, pero cesarán las profecías, se acabarán las lenguas y se acabará el conocimiento”. Un día no necesitaremos esas palabras, pero hoy me encantan las palabras de este salmo. Un día tendremos justicia, risas y canciones alegres. Hasta entonces, tenemos esperanza.

Una Canción Nueva: Hebrews 7:23-28

October 22, 2024October 8, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

23The others who became priests are numerous because death prevented them from continuing to serve. 24In contrast, he holds the office of priest permanently because he continues to serve forever. 25This is why he can completely save those who are approaching God through him, because he always lives to speak with God for them.

26It’s appropriate for us to have this kind of high priest: holy, innocent, incorrupt, separate from sinners, and raised high above the heavens. 27He doesn’t need to offer sacrifices every day like the other high priests, first for their own sins and then for the sins of the people. He did this once for all when he offered himself. 28The Law appoints people who are prone to weakness as high priests, but the content of the solemn pledge, which came after the Law, appointed a Son who has been made perfect forever.
Hrebrews 7:23-28, Common English Bible

The above scripture is from the Revised Common Lectionary for next Sunday. The scripture passage is from the eighth chapter of the book of Hebrews. In the Scriptures, the priests of the past oppose Jesus Christ. When I consider the difference between Jesus and the priests of old, I see several reasons why Jesus Christ is not the same as the priests. Jesus Christ is perfect and the priests are not perfect. The priests are mortal and Jesus is immortal. Jesus Christ did not need to offer sacrifices day after day because He offered the sacrifice once and for all. The priests needed to offer sacrifices every day because every day sinners continued to need new sacrifices. The priests were not the same as Jesus Christ.

The author of Hebrews wrote about the work of priests, but I also see wisdom in thinking about living in a world with domestic violence abusers. We need to seek justice for survivors, but it is not possible to stop all abusers from continuing to abuse. Even if it were possible, it is not possible to erase the pain of the past. We do not have the power to change the character of the world entirely because we are mortal and powerless over the decisions of others.

One of the reasons I believe in the Lord is the nature of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. The Trinity is immortal and has power over all things. When I see no hope for my life in this world, I believe there is hope in God. God never forgets what is going on in the world, Jesus lived in this world, and the Holy Spirit helps us. I have hope because the God who was, is, and will be knows that we need help. I may be a fool to believe these things to be true, but I would rather die a fool than live without hope.

23Ahora bien, como a aquellos sacerdotes la muerte les impedía seguir ejerciendo sus funciones, ha habido muchos de ellos; 24pero como Jesús permanece para siempre, su sacerdocio es imperecedero. 25Por eso también puede salvar por completo a los que por medio de él se acercan a Dios, ya que vive siempre para interceder por ellos.

26Nos convenía tener un sumo sacerdote así: santo, irreprochable, puro, apartado de los pecadores y exaltado sobre los cielos. 27A diferencia de los otros sumos sacerdotes, él no tiene que ofrecer sacrificios día tras día, primero por sus propios pecados y luego por los del pueblo; porque él ofreció el sacrificio una sola vez y para siempre cuando se ofreció a sí mismo. 28De hecho, la ley designa como sumos sacerdotes a hombres débiles; pero el juramento, posterior a la ley, designa al Hijo, quien ha sido hecho perfecto para siempre.
Hebreos 7:23-28, Nueva Versión Internacional

La escritura de arriba es del Leccionario Común Revisado para el próximo domingo. El pasaje de las Escrituras es del capítulo ocho del libro de Hebreos. En las Escrituras, los sacerdotes del pasado se oponen a Jesucristo. Cuando considero la diferencia entre Jesús y los sacerdotes de la antigüedad, veo varias razones por las que Jesucristo no es lo mismo que los sacerdotes. Jesucristo es perfecto y los sacerdotes no son perfectos. Los sacerdotes son mortales y Jesús es inmortal. Jesucristo no necesitaba ofrecer sacrificios día tras día porque Él ofreció el sacrificio de una vez por todas. Los sacerdotes necesitaban ofrecer sacrificios todos los días porque cada día los pecadores continuaban necesitando nuevos sacrificios. Los sacerdotes no eran lo mismo que Jesucristo.

El autor de Hebreos escribió sobre el trabajo de los sacerdotes, pero también veo sabiduría en pensar en vivir en un mundo con abusadores de violencia doméstica. Necesitamos buscar justicia para los sobrevivientes, pero no es posible evitar que todos los abusadores sigan abusando. Incluso si fuera posible, no es posible eliminar el dolor del pasado. No tenemos el poder de cambiar el carácter del mundo por completo porque somos mortales e impotentes ante las decisiones de los demás.

Una de las razones por las que creo en el Señor es la naturaleza de Dios, Jesucristo y el Espíritu Santo. La Trinidad es inmortal y tiene poder sobre todas las cosas. Cuando no veo esperanza para mi vida en este mundo, creo que hay esperanza en Dios. Dios nunca olvida lo que está pasando en el mundo, Jesús vivió en este mundo y el Espíritu Santo nos ayuda. Tengo esperanza porque el Dios que fue, es y será sabe que necesitamos ayuda. Puede que sea un tonto al creer que estas cosas son ciertas, pero prefiero morir como un tonto que vivir sin esperanza.

Una Canción Nueva: Wedding Day

October 12, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

Today is not a day for bad things in my life. Today I start a new song with a new wife. I understand her life is a consensual gift from the Lord. My life is the same gift for her. I may already understand what Job feels when the story in the Bible is complete except my life continues.

I don’t want this blog entry to hurt people who see no hope for a new song. Sometimes this life is unfair and I wish all people to heal in their hearts and souls. Healing is possible.

Dear Lord, You are my God and my Savior. I love it when I see your love. Bless my marriage and all the people who long for the same blessing. All honor, power, and glory be Yours, our God who loves people with broken hearts. Amen

Hoy no es un dia para malas cosas en mi vida. Hoy empiezo a cantar una nueva canción con una esposa nueva. Le comprendo la vida de ella es un regalo consensuado del Señor. Mi vida es el mismo regalo para ella. Es posible ya entiendo que sentir de Job cuando el cuento en la biblia es completo excepto mi vida continúa.

No quiero esta entrada de mi blog a dolor de las personas que no ven esperanza para una nueva canción. A veces esta vida es injusta y deseo a todas las personas sanar en el corazón y en el alma. Es posible sanar.

Querio Señor, tú eres mi Dios y mi Salvador. Me encanta cuando veo tu amor. Bendice mi matrimonio y a todas las personas que anhelan la misma bendicióon. Todo el hono, el poder, y la gloria sean tuyos, nuestro Dios que amas las personas que tienen corazones rotos. Amén.

Una Canción Nueva: Psalm 90:15

October 10, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

“Make us happy for the same amount of time that you afflicted us–for the same number of years that we saw only trouble.”
Psalm 90:15, Common English Bible

The other day I spoke with two friends from my seminary who knew me for many years. We talked about the days when we first met. My friends told me the story of how they met my past wife. I heard their voices and felt compassion, love, and sorrow for the past and anger at the injustice they saw in the past and now.

My friends studied the Bible for many years and live with integrity. They had compassion for me when I didn’t know what happened when I wasn’t in the conversation with my ex-wife. My friends understand the words of Psalm 95. The above scripture is from the Revised Common Lectionary for next Sunday.

The past happened. Moments of the past sometimes cannot be repaired. We cannot possibly go back to those moments when terrible actions occurred. When we understand ourselves and the past, we may lose hope for the future.

My friends have compassion for me because they wish a future full of justice and hope. They want to see the good days we find in the Psalm for people who are afflicted with injustice and evil.

I need the same hope because the past is the past. I wish the same hope for you.

“Alégranos conforme a los días que nos has afligido y a los años que nos has hecho sufrir.”
Salmo 90:15, Nueva Versión Internacional

El otro día hablé con dos amigos de mi seminario que me conocieron por muchos anos. Hablamos de los dias en que nos conocimos. Mis amigos me dieron el cuento de cómo conocieron a mi esposa pasada. Escuché su voces y sentí compasión, amar, y pena para el pasado y foriosa por la ijusticia vieron en el pasado y ahora.

Mis amigos estudiaron la biblia durante muchos años y viven con integridad. Tuvieron compasión por mi cuando no sabía que ocurrió cuando no estaba en la conversación con mi esposa pasada. Mis amigos comprenden la palabras de Salmo 95. La escritura de arriba es del Leccionario Común Revisado para el próximo domingo.

El pasado ocurrió. Los momentos del pasado a veces no pueden a reparar. No es posible que caminemos a esos momentos cuando las acciones malisimas courrieron. Cuando nos comprendemos y comprendemos el pasado, es posible que perdeamos la esperanza por la futura.

Mis amigos me tienen buena compasión porque les desean a futuro con justicia y esperanza. Ellos desean ver los buenismios dias que eoncontramos en el Salmo por las paersonas que tienen afligida con injusticia y mal.

Necesito la misma esperanza porque el pasado es en el pasasdo. Deseo la misma esperanza para ti.

Querido Jesús: Efesios 1:3-14

July 11, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

«En él tenemos la redención mediante su sangre, el perdón de nuestros pecados, conforme a las riquezas de tu gracia la cual Dios nos dio en abundancia con toda sabiduría y entendimiento.» Efesios 1:7-8, Nueva Versión Internacional (NVI)

Querido Creador, tus palabras en Salmo 24:10 me hablan: «¿Quién es este Rey de la gloria? Es el Señor de los Ejércitos; ¡él es el Rey de la gloria!”

¡Te sabo que es verdad! Jesucristo es la imagen visible del Dios invisible. En Jesús, tengo esperanza porque las acciones y palabras de Jesús me muestran que esta persona fuiste, eres, y serás el Rey de Gloria. Jesús tuviste viviendo el fé, esperanza, y amor que necesito permanentemente en mi vida. Quiero a vivir como él, con sus fé, esperanza, y amor.

En mi comprensión, toda mi existencia se centra en mi entrañas. Yo se en mi pensamientos que eres el Rey de de Gloria. A veces mis entrañas son perturbadas y pongo mi conianza en otras cosas. Lo siento por aquellos momentos.

Ayudame a persuadir a mi entrañas a confiar como son mejores partes de mis intenciones y mi corazón. Te pregunto estas cosas segun la esperanza de la Espíritu Santo. Amén

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the pardon of our sins, according to the riches of his grace which God has given to us in abundance with all wisdom and understanding” Ephesians 1:7-8, translated from NVI

Dear Creator, your words in Psalm 24:10 speak to me: “Who is this King of glory? He is the Lord of Hosts; he is the King of glory!”

I know it’s true! Jesus Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. In Jesus, I have hope because Jesus’ actions and words show me that this person was, is, and will be the King of Glory. Jesus lived the faith, hope, and love that I need permanently in my life. I want to live like him with his faith, hope, and love.

In my understanding, my entire existence is centered in my gut. I know in my thoughts that you are the King of Glory. I know in my heart that you are King of Glory. Sometimes, my insides are disturbed and I put my trust in other things. I’m sorry for those moments.

Help me persuade my insides to trust the best parts of my intentions and my heart. I ask you these things according to the hope of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Jesus and the tiller

February 20, 2024February 6, 2024 / Robert D / Leave a comment

“Jesus may not make the storm go away, as he did for Peter and the disciples. The cancer may still be there. The spouse may still be gone. But Jesus is riding it out with us, and somehow that makes the storm less terrifying. That is part of what the Christian’s spiritual life is about. Feeling Jesus’ presence with us enables us to be calmed, even if the storm is raging all around us.”
Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

I grew up on Lake Erie, which is much larger than either the Sea of Galilee or the Lake of the Ozarks which Rev. Hamilton so often references in our chapter this week. My father owned a twenty-four-foot sailboat which, as we read, is about the length of the boats from the time of Jesus. We would sail regularly as children, especially after my mother passed away. Grief is a tough thing and my father did what he had to do to survive difficult days while coping with the loss of his wife.

In our chapter this week, Rev. Hamilton writes about how comforting it is to know that Jesus is there with us when the storms rise. It reminded me of a popular song about Jesus taking the wheel of life as we go down the road of life. It is a beautiful and catchy song, but it differs from my experience of things in recent years.

A few years ago my life fell apart. Within a year and a half a pandemic struck, my disease hit a critical point, what was left of my marriage disintegrated, and I became more of a thing than a person in my own home. I once was given the opportunity to have a say in my own life, but was treated like a wounded animal that needed to be put down instead of as a human being with rights and a family. It isn’t pretty to say, but it does help to point out and normalize the conversation that these things happen to people of every gender, age, educational level, and station in life.

To be honest, it would have been the perfect time to have Jesus take the wheel of life. The problem is that the wheels on the car kept driving straight towards oblivion. I wanted to let go: don’t answer the mail, don’t go to work, don’t answer the phone, and certainly don’t tell people what was happening in my life. If Jesus had the wheel then personal responsibility was meaningless. It would have been great to just let go, but what would happen if I didn’t do what needed to be done next? I would probably be dead from either a resurfacing of my disease that I had spent years seeking to overcome or from being thrown out of my home for not doing the work I am called to do with my life.

As a kid on that boat, I was once going out with my father into a storm to ride on the winds and waves. We were going to go bow-first into the waves so that the winds wouldn’t toss us off course. My father went below deck for maybe five seconds. I moved the tiller a little to one side and we nearly capsized. In a moment the already frightening situation went from scary to terrifying. I thought we were going to die. To be honest, it is impressive that nobody was hurt or killed.

It is dangerous to let go of the tiller or to treat it as anything less than a critical piece of machinery upon which your life can depend. It is equally dangerous to just let go of the wheel and hope it will point down the road.

For me, one of the most important things in this chapter is the fact that Rev. Hamilton points out that Jesus is in the boat with us in the middle of the storms of life. Jesus’ presence does not mean that the storms will always cease or that there won’t be moments of chaotic fear, but it does give us the hope that we are not alone. Even as we gingerly hold the tiller, we do not need to face the storms alone.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Joy as a Subterranean Spring

December 30, 2023 / Robert D / Leave a comment

“True joy is not a thing of moods, not a capricious emotion, tied to fluctuating experiences It is a state and condition of the soul. It survives through pain and sorrow and, like a subterranean spring, waters the whole life. It is intimately allied and bound up with love and goodness, and so is deeply rooted in the life of God. Joy is the most perfect and complete mark and sign of immortal wealth, because it indicates that the soul is living by love and by goodness, and is very rich in God.”
Quaker theologian Rufus Jones, “The Inner Life”, 1916

Today I returned two of my three kids to their mother after too short a visit. My ride home was marked by tears and a blessing as it was the first time in years I had not ridden alone. Upon reaching our destination I still had to wash off saline streaks from my face, but it was an improvement.

Jones wrote about joy filling our lives like a subterranean stream. Such watering keeps the soil moist even through moments where everything is dried out under the harsh light of sadness. I want to feel such joy in my life. I do feel such joy even if it feels fleeting at times.

God, grant me your joy.
Even as the harsh winds howl, 
soak arid taproots
and keep green in me the hope
by which my core first sprouted.

Grief and Pain

December 19, 2023 / Robert D / Leave a comment

A couple of hours ago I made a mistake through my own stupid arrogance. Okay, it wasn’t that bad, I said something stupid to the neighboring minister when stopping by her office. I said, “I feel like the end of Advent is going to be quiet. I feel like I have paid my dues with Advent drama.” I didn’t knock on wood.

Two hours later I am on the phone with the doctor’s office for my children. One child is sick and the other has a head injury. I have been trying to get information through a phone call for days. I was told repeatedly that their mother wouldn’t tell me the information because I could get it from the doctor, The doctor let me know that they’ve never been given permission to share anything with me. Shared custody or not, there’s no medical information for Dad. All I know is that my eldest has a head injury and that my middle child needs medication to breathe more fully.

Why would I need to know more than that? Isn’t that enough for me to make medical decisions? When will there be medical decisions where I actually get to make a choice or even remain informed if even head trauma isn’t enough to qualify? I should have knocked on wood. More accurately, I should have assumed the worst earlier. You would think I would have learned by now.

I have been thinking about the pain this afternoon. Even as I prepare for the Longest Night Service on Thursday, I find myself coming back to the pain within. I was ready for a drama-free Christmas. I was neither wishing ill nor inviting the Krampus to visit my former partner. I was accepting of the fact that life simply means neither seeing my eldest this season nor seeing my kids on Christmas morning. I was even accepting of the fact that buying Christmas presents for them feels more and more like buying gifts for strangers. It hurt, but it was numb. Suddenly it is as if the bandages are torn away and my soul is bleeding again. I thought about it and turned back to a book I have been reading on and off again for a few years now.

“Following the initial numbing shock of disbelief in the immediate experience of loss, pain presses itself into our souls and bodies. It is sometimes more than we think we can bear. We seek ways to anesthetize ourselves. It hurts too much to allow that gaping hole in our gut to bleed unstaunched. We want to feel anything other than that pain. We want to fill the empty hole within with something—alcohol, drugs, sex, sleep, work, easy love, TV. We are vulnerable to anyone who will offer us a moment’s respite from that unspeakable gap within our soul…

Eventually though, we begin to feel again and the pain sets in. The pain reminds us we are still alive and in need of healing. It will come and go, visiting us when we least expect it. When you can feel the pain of sadness and loneliness, know that this signals that you are growing stronger. When we are not strong, the body numbs us and we don’t feel. If we feel the pain, we are gaining strength. Pain reminds us that something significant has happened. It reminds us that to be human is to feel. Only when we can feel the deep sadness of the loss can we ever hope to feel the deep joy of new life. Feeling is central to the ability to experience the fullness of life as it is being lived.”
Dan Moseley, “Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual GIfts of Loss and Change,” pg 41

I am really hurting today and I understand, in part, what Moseley is saying here. If I couldn’t handle the pain, then my body, soul, and spirit would surely know enough to anesthetize the wound. Even if it couldn’t heal from the wounds in the past, my soul has become very good at cauterizing internal pain through things like exercise, poetry, eating, music, and even focusing my thoughts on the pain of occasional hunger. When you have no other way to advocate for yourself and when even your attorney has gone on vacation, what choice can there be here?

I get that it hurts and I wish that it wouldn’t hurt. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away, but there’s no really good answer other than to embrace the pain. If there’s one thing my former partner has given me, it is the gift of pain. I can hide away from it, or I can accept the simple things it teaches me.

I’m alive to feel this pain
I’m strong enough to experience this without going into shock
I’m alive enough to make choices to reach out to people who care about me
I’m alive enough to think about things like the meaning of pain, the lack of justice, and even anticipate the Advent of Christ to stand as the only just and righteous judge who can unfailingly stand in final judgment over situations like this one.
I’m alive enough to pray and seek after the Spirit even as the world denies hypothetical rights and shatters the hope of people who have already been broken by injustice

I’m reading Lamentations 5 in worship this Thursday. Lord, I feel it…

“15Joy has left our heart; our dancing has changed into lamentation. 16The crown has fallen off our head. We are doomed because we have sinned. 17Because of all this our heart is sick; because of these things our glance is dark. 18Mount Zion, now deserted– only jackals walk on it now! 19But you, LORD, will rule forever; your throne lasts from one generation to the next. 20Why do you forget us continually; why do you abandon us for such a long time? 21Return us, LORD, to yourself. Please let us return! Give us new days, like those long ago– 22unless you have completely rejected us, or have become too angry with us.”
Lamentations 5:15-22, Common English Bible (CEB)

“For everyone born, a place at the table…”

November 24, 2023November 24, 2023 / Robert D / Leave a comment

I went to bed humming in my heart last night. Just before I drove away from my girlfriend’s house, we posted a picture together for the first time. I had brought a delicious acorn squash pie with gingersnap crust for dessert and spent the day getting to know her family a bit better. I met her mother, sister, nephew, and niece. Her kids were a riot to be around as usual.

She’s in a different space than me in her life with grown kids, but we share a lot of things in common. She knows what it is like to go through a troubled marriage and a divorce. She knows the value of having space at the table. She let me be there with her through all the Thanksgiving stuff that every family has and even let me kindly invite her to simply be in the moment with me and her family.

In other words, I felt like I belonged yesterday. As I wake up on the sixth birthday of my littlest turkey today, I know that I won’t see her for over another month at this point. I had to ask her sibling to have her call me as the phone number I have for my child is never answered when I call. J says the tablet has power issues and barely works. I can’t help but think of the new tablet sitting on a shelf here that I bought for her months ago only to be told that the broken tablet she has is good enough even though I can’t contact my child through it. I asked her while I talked with her if she received the postcards I sent my kids while traveling. I sent six. Their mother let them see one of them. I can’t even write cards to my kids with the expectation they will receive them. Joint custody apparently means I can’t even write them…

My eldest still won’t talk to me and the answer remains: an hour a month for virtual therapy to rebuild a relationship is too much time in his busy schedule even as he applies to a foreign exchange student program. He has time to travel the world but not time for an hour a month with his father.

I’m thankful J still obviously loves their father and takes the time to talk with me on occasion, but it shouldn’t fall on a thirteen-year-old to be the adult in a family of a single mom, a fifteen-year-old, and a six-year-old. It especially shouldn’t be so when there are grandparents and other relatives around who should be able to speak reason to power. It would be wrong of me to ask J to be the conduit for conversation and J shouldn’t have to be put in that position. Unfortunately, when you can’t even write the other kids with the expectation they’ll get their mail, the option seems to be to put your child in an impossible situation or lose a relationship with all of them.

There’s a difference between what I experienced yesterday and my experience even of married life. The feeling of actually being accepted and having my girlfriend’s mother ask about my children was heartbreakingly kind. I mean, there are two Halloween gifts waiting for them on the shelf upstairs from my girlfriend’s mother who decided my kids deserved love before she even met me. They welcomed me so warmly and all I had to do to belong was just be me: someone who cared for someone at the table who also cared for me.

It is such a different experience than getting phone calls about church members being concerned that I was being yelled at in a gas station or hearing complaints about my partner arguing with PPRC members in a local restaurant when they said something she disagreed with. It is sad that it took me years to see they weren’t just complaining about someone they didn’t like: they were scared for me. In hindsight, I get it. I wish I had understood then.

People tell me to keep trying and to not give up, but that’s pretty hard advice to actually follow. Perhaps someone would understand if they were actually in my shoes. I’m exhausted and tired of pretending everything is fine. Heading down south recently on the Civil Rights pilgrimage and seeing the evidence of people who knew what was right and who were willing to get in good trouble… I wish I knew how to advocate for myself and others in the way that they did with such power, presence, and moral authority. I wish I could change things, but that’s a long journey I don’t know how to travel. It is literally easier to walk thousands of miles in a year than to know how to handle things. I can say that one from experience.

In the meantime, yeah. I baked a pie, I shared space, and I allowed my cold heart to open a little more to actually living life. Is the “cold still in my bones?” Yeah, they’re cold and brittle, but there’s also something else: that faintly glowing fire… (Yes, that’s a Five Iron Frenzy reference: “Blizzards and Bygones (All Frost and No Thaw Version)” is a gem that has been my unofficial soundtrack while walking the wintry woods over the past few years).

Original recipe: https://www.thekitchenmagpie.com/acorn-squash-pie/
Adaptations: For the filling, I used fresh ginger and grated nutmeg into slightly larger pieces than the powdered stuff. For the crust, I processed the gingersnaps through a grinder for uniformity and then melted a little more than the specified butter (2 extra TBSP) in the glass pie dish in the oven. I then poured the butter into the crumbs and brown sugar only after swirling the pie plate so that the entirety of the crust had a buttery layer to keep the crust from sticking. That process also made certain each bite had a touch of buttery goodness. I also used a dough blender to uniformly break up any buttery clumps and to make certain the brown sugar spread throughout the crust instead of being in chunks.

A Strange Advent Feeling

November 28, 2022November 28, 2022 / Robert D / Leave a comment

I don’t really have a Christmas tree desire this year. I love a good Christmas tree and have a lot of fond memories over the years, but this year I am probably not going to put up a tree. There’s a wreath by my garage door and I’ve got my ugly Christmas sweater game on point. No tree though.

Trees are for presents. Trees are for gifts. Trees are for family and I’m not the kind of pet owner who will put presents under the tree for my dog or the fish. I’m getting presents for others, but there’s really no need for a tree.

Instead, this is the year of the Advent Wreath. I’ve put together a really cheesy electric wreath from an inexpensive five candle window candelabra. Three dollars of cheap paint and putting the “wreath” on a smart switch: we’re good to go!

As you can see, cheap is the name of the game, but the other side of things is that it is meaningful to me. Each time I have seen the wreath since I have put it up, I have begun singing the Advent Song from The Faith We Sing: “Candle, candle, burning bright: shining in the cold winter’s night. Candle, candle, burning bright: fill our hearts with Christmas light.”

I don’t need presents. but I do need light. I don’t need wrapping paper, but I do need to be wrapped in hope. I don’t need a continual reminder that there’s nobody here, but I do need to see the light growing week after week.

What do I want for Christmas? Hope, love, joy, and peace. Burn candles, burn.

Untitled poem from a dream

October 5, 2019 / Robert D / Leave a comment

Robert D [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D

Dreams like fog drift out from the depths of night.
Troubled thoughts steal all the warmth from our bed.
Hazy glimpses of events filled with fright:
I dream of habits I would bury dead.

Cold winds blow down the dreamy lane
Where dreaming guilt weighs down my soul.
Eyes open to a world more sane
As thoughts bend to the night's dark hole.

A staccato heartbeat
Slowly calms itself down.
I live where fingers meet
As soul seeks Heaven's Crown.

I would forget
Dark dreams untrue:
Part ways and yet,
Guilt clings like dew.

O God...
Bless me...
Break rod...
Free me...

Below the sun
I kneel and pray.
I seek the Son
By light of day.

Sunlight burns away fog
Revealing ways to see
Not all is miring bog.
There is much good in me.

Drifts lift to reveal a good heart
That seeks to be a good parent.
Terror unveiled to have a start
In desire to straighten parts bent.

I cannot change past nor keep dreams away
But sunlight reveals that the day has come.
Fog burns away over a cold clear way
Where any future has yet to become.

Let Us Ramble: On Baptismal Hope

June 5, 2018June 5, 2018 / Robert D / Leave a comment

Blessings friends. Sunday was an exciting Sunday at our church and in my own house. We celebrated worship with Rev. Dr. Marsha Williams, Associate Conference Minister of the New Conference of the United Church of Christ. We heard a powerfully thoughtful sermon on Christ’s love, shared communion, and eventually shared in a moment of sacramental beauty as my daughter was baptized. It was a holy and powerful moment as she was baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Sunday ended with memories of friends gathered, love shared, and God’s baptismal grace entering into the life of a child of God. As a parent, it was one of those moments where everything happens seemingly in a blur. Our church family has a new baptized member! What a joyful day!

Who knows where this newly baptized child of God will go? Reflecting back, I find myself drawn to reflect on “Our Time for Younger Disciples.” I shared with the children a reality. On Friday night I had sat with my friend and colleague Emily. Emily is preparing to welcome her third child into the world. She’s a woman of God who is called into ministry while living life as a mother similar to the way I am a man of God called into ministry while living life as a father. We both look like ministers although we look different, act different, and live different lives. God calls both of us and we are both children of God.

Rev. Dr. Marsha has a really cool title. She’s an Associate Conference Minister in the United Church of Christ and she has earned her doctorate. On an aside, while I do not aspire to Conference leadership in any denomination, I will admit that I want a doctorate someday. Anyway, Marsha is descended from a different part of the human family than my European roots and claims her African heritage with justifiable pride. We look very different. We’re married to two very different (but amazing) women, work out our call in different contexts, and each have our own traditions. We both look my ministers and pull portions of the same yoke for Jesus. We both look like ministers although we look different, act different, and live different lives. God calls both of us and we are both children of God.

I also shared with our younger friends that I have a friend at the Academy for Spiritual Formation named Hyunho. He’s a child of God from another completely different part of the human family who happily lives into his identity as a child with roots from South Korea. Hyunho is an Elder in the United Methodist Church like me! He is thoughtful, kind, intellectual, gracious, and kind. Hyunho has a humble and loving spirit that I long to have in my own life. His community’s practices and beliefs have inspired his approach to ministry within a cross-cultural appointment. In the midst of all of our differences, we are both called. We both look like ministers although we look different, act different, and live different lives. God calls both of us and we are both children of God.

I think back on these differences and similarities because God calls us all. The child we baptized Sunday may be called by God to be a scientist, a minister, a teacher, a nurse, or anything else. Each of the children who came forward for the children’s moment Sunday might be called to something different and strange—they will be called to believe in themselves and who they are called to be in this life! I hope our kids in church remember that God calls each of us. We are all called to be children of God—each and every one of us. I hope they live into the love of God that draws them near.

The Parable of the Baker

May 8, 2018May 8, 2018 / Robert D / Leave a comment

Yesterday, was a rough day for me in terms of ministry. The day began with watching colleagues, laity, and friends within my denomination begin to process through the previous week’s events with wildly different points of view. The sight of people I care about debating each other was not always pleasant. Shortly after responding to the situation and inviting people to breathe, I was made aware of the constitutional amendment results. I was rendered speechless by the result and told my wife “This is a day my denomination deserves to be ashamed of itself.” Yesterday was rough.

I was speaking to someone yesterday afternoon when I was asked what I do when I am faced with things I cannot change. I told a story that I would like to share with you in the format of a parable.

Living in the Kingdom of Heaven is like this: Once there was a baker who was easily distracted. The baker went to make a loaf of bread one day, but became distracted. The yeast was mixed in with the flour, but the baker rushed the process and forgot the salt. The dough was given time to rise, but the baker forgot to put the bread in a warm place. The bread was baked in the oven, but the baker ignored the step where the temperature was lowered. The bread came out of the oven blackened, hard, and inedible. No children could make sandwiches, no butter could be spread on toast for a snack, and there was a lot of disappointment.

The next day, the baker rose again. The baker considered what had happened the day before and set about making bread with a singular focus. The baker mixed yeast with flour and with the previous day’s forgotten salt. The dough was given time to rise in a war,=m environment. The bread was baked at the correct temperatures for the right amount of time. The bread which sat on the cooling rack was golden and delicious. The baker’s family had what it needed.

Friends, we cannot go back to change the past. All we can work with it the dough we have today. May God grant us grace to live into the day that we have today. May God give us the grace to pick up the pieces and try again.

Let us Ramble: Patience and Wisdom

April 11, 2018April 9, 2018 / Robert D / Leave a comment

The other day I woke up early to get a wood chipper to help remove some branches from the church property. Winter was windy, one tree had to be cut down, and we had lots of loose branches to handle. I arose early in the morning and headed out to pick up a rented wood chipper. On the way, I stopped to get a cup of coffee. Yard work is thirsty work, especially early in the morning.

I stopped at a nearby donut shop and noticed a huge line of cars in the drive through. The cars were literally lining up to zipper-merge from both directions in order to get breakfast, coffee, or whatever the people wanted. The number of people idling in line in running cars was staggering.

The view from my car window. License plates blurred because I’m a nice guy.

I thought to myself that I would probably have to wait in line for quite a while inside if the store were that busy. I walked in the door and there were three people sitting at a table while people bustled behind the counter. Otherwise, the donut shop was empty. I walked right up, picked up my order, and was out the door in less time than it took one of those cars to move one position in the line.

As I slipped into my car, I wondered about the situation. Every time I went to that particular location in the morning it seemed that the line outside was always longer than the line inside. I regularly walked in and out while people sat and looked at me through their windows. Nothing staggeringly new was taking place this particular morning. I long ago learned that patience is a virtue, but not the only virtue. Wisdom and experience taught me to plan to walk into the restaurant instead of waiting in line. It is simply faster at that location to walk in the door. It is even faster if you order ahead on their smartphone app.

As I pondered this I thought about all of the other times I have “waited in line.” There are things that I really wanted to have happen in my life, but I would just sit there and watch the world pass by outside the window of my life. I would sit behind a useless steering wheel which could do nothing as I was not moving, twiddle my thumbs, and wait for the world to magically become a better place.

Occasionally, over the years I have had the wisdom to get out of the car a couple of times. I am married and have kids because I decided to step out of the car and enter into a relationship with a wonderful woman. I continue to be married because I do my best to move forward with life despite challenges that I could easily blame on others. I can cook because I decided to stop just longing to be able to create good food and began to ask questions of people who I knew could cook. I entered into the ministry, sought after the best parts of myself, and battled my demons. I didn’t always get out of the car, but I have learned the value of not waiting for everything to be handed over on a silver platter.

Now, let’s be clear. I am all for understanding the value of patience. Still, while patience is a virtue, sometimes in life we need to step out of the car. I regularly hear people speak of the world around them in tones that imply a certain kind of irritated, frustrated patience is all that can exist. People wish the world was kinder, wish their workplace was friendlier, or wonder why their church does not have more visitors. The world is full of lovely wishes that never change a thing because they are not acted upon by anyone.

What if the answer is that we need to get out of our car? Yes, we can wait until someone else invites a stranger to church, but what if we were to extend that invitation? Yes, we can hope that people in the workplace would be nicer to one another, but what if we were to seek out ways to be nice? Yes, we can bemoan the world becoming a crueler place, but we can also seek to bring love back into the dark places of the world.

We don’t need to wait in line for someone to bring what we need to our window. We can go to seek it out. We have the capacity as people for wonderful things. Let’s do some of them!

Let us Seek: The Cabbage Crisis

May 17, 2017May 17, 2017 / Robert D / Leave a comment

Our church’s food pantry had a problem last summer. We had a MASSIVE donation of cabbage. We received hundreds of pounds of cabbage. We had lots of cabbage. The cabbage was beyond the capacities of our refrigerators and we literally could not get rid of it fast enough. The overabundance of cabbage was a bigger problem than you might think. We needed space for other donations of things people need regularly. We could not accept donations of milk or eggs because there was too much cabbage. We could not accept donations of deli meat or cheese because there was too much cabbage. We had so much cabbage that the stuff we could not refrigerate was going bad. We donated as much as we could to a church member’s family who raises pigs, but apparently even pigs get tired of cabbage.

We came right up to the point where the volunteers at the food pantry were going to simply toss it away when I decided to do something about the situation. I did my research, I went on a small shopping spree, and I got to work. I made five gallons of sauerkraut.

Pastor Rob with five gallons of cabbage, salt, and water in July of 2016. Yes, it was incredibly hot that day.

Yes, I made gallons and gallons of sauerkraut. Now, New York State law does not allow for processed food to be distributed to folks unless it has been processed by an approved professional company. So, this meant that I had five gallons of sauerkraut on my shelves. Five gallons of sauerkraut meant that we learned a lot of recipes over the past year that use sauerkraut. Sweet and sour meatballs are my personal favorite.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and we needed to decide what to put on our hot dogs. I hemmed and hawed for a few minutes over just having ketchup or relish when I remembered what was in the garage. A few minutes later I was enjoying a hot dog with sauerkraut and ketchup. The hot dog was delicious.

The most delicious hot dog I ate yesterday!

So, why do I share all of this with you on my blog? I share it because there was a moment last year when everything was coming apart at the seams. The cabbage was literally becoming a thorn in my side and in the side of all of our volunteers. Just the smell of cabbage was beginning to get bother people in a real and powerful sense. The situation was becoming a miniature crisis.

All it took to turn the situation around was for someone to do a little research, put in a bunch of hard work, and to transform a negative situation into a positive blessing. My family had healthy meals this past winter because of the cabbage that was driving people nuts. My hot dog went from good to great because of the cabbage that even pigs were getting tired of eating. Opportunity was hiding in plain sight.

I do not know what situations you may be facing in life today. I do know that not every situation has a silver lining. I cannot promise that there is an outcome as positive as the situation with the cabbage, but I can tell you one thing that is absolutely true. If you do not open your eyes and look around then you may never know what possibilities you are missing.

Consider the following words from Jeremiah 29:10-14: (NRSV)

“For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”

Jeremiah’s words are set in the scriptures during a challenging moment in history. Trouble is on the horizon and Lamentations will show exactly deep a sorrow will fall on the people of God. Jeremiah’s prophecies are set in a time of doubt about the future. There was likely a real and powerful doubt at play in the hearts of all those people who heard Jeremiah’s prophecies and believed his words.

Despite these doubts and troubles, Jeremiah leaves the people with a word of hope. There was a place for redemption and hope when all of the trouble had come and gone. Will the seventy years ahead be a very difficult time? Of course the situation ahead of the people will be grim. Even Jeremiah will be filled with lament when everything comes to pass, but even that darkness will not last forever. God cares about the welfare of the people. God will make a way and allow the people to find both God and hope. God will hear their prayers again. God will gather the people in with open arms.

I do not want to belittle whatever situations you face today. Everyone has their own challenges and sometimes there are no silver linings. I do want to invite you to open your eyes in the midst of your challenges. Sometimes there are blessings in the stinky cabbages of life. Not always, but sometimes there are possibilities. I invite you to have courage and to have faith.

Distracted Pastor Ramblings

Not all who ramble are lost…

Hope