Friendship

The Devil in Disciple’s Clothing

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“What was the devil up to in the wilderness? He offered Jesus success without suffering and a crown without a cross. How alluring that must have been. Of course, that would have come at the cost of bowing the knee to the devil. In the end, Jesus rejected the lure.

Three years later, it was his own disciple, the man who would be the rock upon whom he would build his church, who was encouraging Jesus to pursue the crown without the cross. Peter wasn’t intending to lead Jesus astray; he was only using human logic and seeking to look out for his friend. Which reminds me that even our Christian friends, pastors, and counselors can at times lead us away from God’s path. They would, like Peter, do it unwittingly, but with real consequences. And we might be Peter for someone else, leading them astray without intending to do so. When we’re thinking only human thoughts, we’ll often counsel against the hard path, the way of suffering.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

Rev. Hamilton’s words above have caused me a moment of pause. As I write these words, I have had a difficult few days in a good way. Two of my three children have been in town for winter break and my normal routine was almost immediately tossed to the side by their presence.

I have baked more cakes in the past week than I have in the past two years. I had some apples towards the end of their shelf life, so it has been apple cake after apple cake in our house. Burgers, smoked chicken, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, and all sorts of things that I generally do not cook for myself.

It is different to take time to cook, once again, instead of taking time to walk in circles around a sanctuary memorizing the sermon. It is different to listen to kids playing video games instead of spending time focusing in silent prayer. Everything seemed out of sync and strange.

It has been a blessing to have a few moments of what my colleagues with children would see as normal life. It has also been a bit guilt-inducing as I have had a few moments of wondering how far I would be on my to-do list if I had a babysitter. Even taking an hour to care for my body by weight-lifting without kicking myself has been challenging.

It is strange to think that this might be far more normal and a far more regular occurrence if I had listened to different voices years ago. Instead of burying myself in work and poor choices, I could have listened to the people who were expressing concern. Instead of listening to the voices telling me that the Christlike thing was to dig deeper and do all things through Christ, I could have actually stopped to ask God if I was supposed to be fearful all the time. Instead of coping poorly, I could have actually asked if I was meant to stand on my own too feet alone long before things went so far off course.

Can I go back in time and change the decisions I once made? No. Can I decide to trust God and ask for help moving forward? Absolutely. I can confess my sins and make amends for my past as best as I am able, but I can’t change the past.

What’s more, as a person who has a role in the lives of others, I can do my best to be aware of the fact that my actions can have consequences in the lives around me. Have I caused others to stumble? Possibly, but I think the more productive thing to do is to take note of the possibility and do my best to not do it again. I may intend to do no harm, but I need to remain aware of the fact that I have the capacity.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Keeping Perspective

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

This afternoon I had the joy of spending time with a former seminary classmate and his daughter over a cup of coffee. One of the largest struggles I have had to face while in recovery from both alcoholism and domestic violence has been the message that was handed to me by both my culture and my partner.

My culture taught me from an early age that alcoholics looked a certain way and were untrustworthy. I was not told that they had a disease with real physical roots. I was told that alcoholics drank out of paper bags under bridges or in book clubs depending on how much money was in their bank account. I was never given the perspective that an alcoholic was someone who could recover with support, care, and love. When I realized I had a problem with alcohol, I immediately was ashamed of who I was as a person despite the fact that I am a human being with a disease that was quite treatable and was not a one-way ticket to a lifestyle under a bridge.

My partner taught me through her actions and words that I wasn’t worthy of any better treatment than how society treated alcoholics. I was told multiple times that I was not good enough, was worthless, was inadequate, and told me, “God must love you because nobody else does.” Even though she is gone, I can still hear the exact inflection of and scorn in her voice as she cast such judgments over me and my value.

Do you know what my friend from seminary told me today? When my partner left, there was joyful cheering (along with the tears on the other end of the state). To be clear, they didn’t cheer because I was hurt. They were thankful that I was free from a sick and desperate situation that they saw coming years before I began to recognize what was happening. They believed in me, cared about me, and he went out of the way with his daughter to come and see me because I matter to them, which they did with the full and enthusiastic support of his wife (who is also my friend).

I often forget the simple truths my friend reminded me of this afternoon. I didn’t lose value because I became sick: I became a person in need of healing and support. I didn’t lose value because someone tore me to shreds: I just needed to look for value in people who believed in me, cared for me, and loved me as a friend and person. Now that the shackles are breaking, I can choose to keep investing in healthy relationships even as I continue to seek my freedom from the person who tore me down.

It is easy to forget how much we matter, especially if we are recovering from domestic abuse or an addiction. It is easy to forget that there may be people who love us and support us in spite of what others have said about us or done to us. Yes, God loves us: there may be people who love us as well.

If you’re recovering from abuse or addiction, may I invite you to believe that you have value? Although it is close to the end, may I suggest that a good thing to remember during National Suicide Prevention Week (which is also part of National Suicide Prevention Month, which is halfway to completion) is that you have value? As much as the tagline this month is about Domestic Violence, allow me to point out that in the United States you can dial 988 to reach someone who can support you if you are feeling suicidal. No matter what others may have told you, your life matters and I hope you stick around.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.