Forgiveness

Una Canción Nueva: What is forgiveness?

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

In October we remember Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am reading and reflecting on both my experiences and the thoughts of others about domestic violence during this month. This action is important to me as a survivor of domestic violence.

One book I’m reading for Domestic Violence Awareness Month is “Telling the Truth: Preaching about Sexual and Domestic Violence,” which was written in 1998. In the chapter titled “Preaching forgiveness?” Marie Copeland writes the following:

But what then is forgiveness?

  • It is not condoning or pardoning, making every thing okay as if no harm had been done by the perpetrator (It is our temptation to “heal the wound lightly, saying ‘peace, peace,’ where there is no peace [Jer. 6:14])
  • It is not the sole responsibility of the victim/survivor: “Don’t you think it’s time you forgave him?”
  • It cannot happen in a vacuum.
  • It is very difficult absent the accountability of the offender.
  • It is about letting it go and getting on with one’s life.

That’s a good question, my friends! What is forgiveness? I’m getting remarried this week. I’m moving on with life, but I’m not forgetting the perpetrator’s actions in the past. I want justice and accountability for the past.

I have peace with the Lord because the God of Justice has not forgotten either. I don’t need to hold the past abuser accountable when that is God’s job. My job is to move on with my life and allow the Lord to work.

Yes, I cannot condone or pardon the past. I don’t have to do all the work and I don’t have to forget it. It won’t be my problem when the day of the Lord comes.

En Octubre recordamos el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica. Estoy leyendo y reflexionando sobre ambas mis experiencias y los pensamientos de otra sobre violencia doméstica durante este mes. Esta acción es importante para mi como un sobreviviente de violencia doméstica.

Un libro estoy leyendo para el mes de concientización sobre la violencia doméstica es “Decir la verdad: Predicando sobre la violencia sexual y doméstica”, que fue escrito en 1998. En el capítulo titulado “¿Predicar el perdón?”, Marie Copeland escribió lo siguiente:

Pero, ¿qué es entonces el perdón?

  • No es condonar o perdonar, hacer que todo esté bien como si el perpetrador no hubiera hecho ningún daño (es nuestra tentación de “sanar ligeramente la herida, diciendo: ‘Paz, paz’, donde no hay paz” [Jer. 6:14])
  • No es responsabilidad exclusiva de la víctima/superviviente: “¿No crees que es hora de perdonarle?”
  • No puede suceder en el vacío
  • Es muy difícil si no hay responsabilidad del delincuente
  • Se trata de dejarlo ir y seguir con la vida

¡Es una buena pregunta amigas! ¿Que es el perdón?  Está semana voy a volver a casarme. Voy a seguir con la vida, pero no olvido las acciones de la perpetradora en el pasado. Quiero justicia y responsabilidad por el pasado.

Tengo paz con el Señor porque el Dios de Justicia tampoco lo olvido. No necesito hacer que la abusadora pasada rinda cuentas cuando ese es el trabajo de Dios. Mi trabajo es seguir con mi vida y permitir al Señor trabajar.

Si, no puedo condonar o perdonar el pasado. No tengo que hacer todo el trabajo y no tengo que olvidarlo. No será mi problema cuando llegue el día del Señor

The Forest for the Trees

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Once more, Peter represents us, the everyday disciple. I suspect that there have been many times in my life where my heart was in the right place, but I was not thinking God’s thoughts. Instead, I was analyzing the situation from my very human perspective. There are times we make important decisions based upon our own logic, spending little or no time praying or seeking to understand God’s thoughts.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

What does it mean to identify with a text? There are many different definitions of what it means to look at a text and find something in common with the author, the text, or even just the emotion behind the text. In our reading for this week, Simon Peter does the thing he does so very well. Simon Peter takes one step forward and one step back.

I don’t know that Simon Peter felt exactly how I felt while reading the chapter this week, but if I were in Simon Peter’s shoes, I would be incredibly frustrated. Peter was seemingly a disciple who was trying his best to understand what was literally an unprecedented situation: God made flesh. To be fully honest, Simon Peter was one of the few people who ever had to deal with the situation he was in as a person. There was no example who left behind a manual with clearly laid out instructions from before his time. Nobody has truly had to deal with the same circumstances since.

Instead of a manual for what to do, Simon Peter left behind a series of stories of almost getting it. Instead of getting credit, Simon Peter has often been lambasted for not getting things right. I am probably projecting on Simon Peter, but it seems truly and utterly unfair to judge Peter for looking at things with the only perspective he had. To be clear, I neither criticize nor accuse Rev. Hamilton of doing anything untoward with Peter’s stories. I criticize myself for being really hard on Peter over the years.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who has often walked face-first into my own assumptions. I see some of the places where I did my best to live life with an honest heart that was doing the very best job it could in the circumstances. I took the screwdriver in my hand and set to work trying to build a bookcase. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t have the allen wrench I needed.

Sometimes it is frustrating to constantly swing at life with a hammer only to realize the situation before me requires screws and not nails. Sometimes it hurts to constantly fall short despite the fact that you are legitimately doing your best. Sometimes it can really frustrate and irritate a person. I have seen ministers leave the ministry as a result of the fact that they simply cannot get enough leverage on the hammer no matter the angle they approach the problem from to turn the screw into place.

It is good to note that Jesus really loved Simon Peter. I hope he forgave himself for constantly bringing a salad to a chili contest. I mean, at least he brought food, unlike the other disciples? I know that I probably owe Peter an apology. I probably owe myself an apology as well.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

On Properly Balanced Regret

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“Sin with despair is certain death. Let no one therefore say, If already any evil
thing I have done, already I am to be condemned: God pardoneth not such evil things, why
add I not sins to sins? I will enjoy this word in pleasure, in wantonness, in wicked cupidity:
now hope of amendment having been lost, let me have even what I see, if I cannot have what I believe.”

St. Augustine, Commentary on Psalm 51 from “Exposition on the Psalms”

I was doing some preparatory work for the upcoming Advent study by tracing down the quotes used in the book we will be using during the upcoming season when I came across this passage in St. Augustine’s exposition on Psalm 51. The book references Augustine’s work but doesn’t actually share what Augustine wrote, which is a pet peeve of mine as “Text without a context is a pretext for misinterpretation.” When a person does not have the text itself to misinterpret or even a semi-accurate paraphrase, I feel as if the appeal to authority (in this case Augustine’s authority as one of the patristic fathers, which is weird in a book focused on the Methodists centuries later) is weakened.

Literary critique aside, despite the assertion of the author that Augustine wants us to look at God’s grace and work instead of our own sinfulness, Augustine does at certain points explicitly state that there is a definite need to personally identify with and deal with one’s own struggles and even sinful choices. Augustine is quite clear that even those who are pardoned from sin must still bear the weight of their deeds:

“ ‘For, behold, truth Thou hast loved: uncertain and hidden things of Thy wisdom,
Thou hast manifested to me’ (ver. 6). That is, Thou hast not left unpunished even the sins
of those whom Thou dost pardon. ‘Truth Thou hast loved:’ so mercy Thou hast granted
first, as that Thou shouldest also preserve truth. Thou pardonest one confessing,
pardonest, but only if he punisheth himself: so there are preserved mercy and truth: mercy
because man is set free; truth, because sin is punished.”

St. Augustine, Commentary on Psalm 51 from “Exposition on the Psalms”

It is an interesting thing to consider: the relationship between pardon, mercy, and punishment. To a certain extent, Augustine certainly had a point. He points to Nineveh in the Book of Jonah as an example. Pardon is received by the people of that city, but only after they themselves have accepted their need for humility and chastisement. Pardon occurs in the story of Jonah after the acceptance of guilt and after the choice to adopt a position of humility.

As a person in recovery, there is certainly something to be said about the fact that I truly and fully rely on the mercy of a God who forgives and accepts me. I also understand that there’s a weight to the things I have done in the past and have to put in the time to make amends for the things I have done. I understand there is a relationship between pardon, mercy, and punishment.

I don’t think focusing on the grace of God to the complete exclusion of personal responsibility is something we want to do on a regular basis. Did Augustine believe in the power of Christ to bring about change in the lives of individuals? Absolutely, but Augustine did not present the Good News of pardon and mercy at the exclusion of personal responsibility. As Augustine warns us in the quote at the top of this entry, there’s certainly a point at which the weight of sin can dishearten people to the point of giving in to sorrow and grief instead of believing in grace. At the same time, that grace does not draw away from the need to honestly reflect and work on the sin in our lives.

Perhaps all of this is overly complicating what was a point meant to be looked over in passing by an author who is not hinging their thesis on this point, but it does help at times to double-check the sources being quoted and whether or not those sources say what the author in the middle is trying to say.

A Place for Both

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“We recognize that family violence and abuse in all its forms—verbal, psychological, physical, sexual—is detrimental to the covenant of the human community. We encourage the Church to provide a safe environment, counsel, and support for the victim and to work with the abuser to understand the root causes and forms of abuse and to overcome such behaviors. Regardless of the cause or the abuse, both the victim and the abuser need the love of the Church. While we deplore the actions of the abuser, we affirm that person to be in need of God’s redeeming love.”

¶161.II.H. “The Nurturing Community, Family Violence and Abuse” in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2016

What does it mean that the church is a place for both the abuser and the abused? This question resonates deeply with me as a survivor of Domestic Violence. Can there be space in the church for both me and the person who tore me to shreds?

Yes. The short answer is that the church absolutely must be broad enough for both the abused and the abusers. Although I have my issues with the imperfect nature of the Book of Resolutions, to the best of my ability I understand that the church must make room both for those who need redemption and for those who lives need to be redeemed from the places of desolation, sorrow, and shattering.

Why? Wouldn’t it be easier to lean into the more judgmental parts of scripture? Although I generally refer to the larger section of the scriptures as the Hebrew Scriptures, can’t God “go Old Testament” once in a while with the fire, flames, and what not? Won’t God bring damnation to those who have hurt people deeply to the point where it feels imprinted on the soul? Aren’t there places where the wicked find out that they can’t have their cake and eat it too?

Absolutely those places exist in scripture. Honestly, my soul rests better at night knowing that such places exist in the theological life of the church. That being said, we can do better as a people than rely on damnation as our first recourse to sin in the world. Who among us is without sin in their lives?

Once upon a time, most of us crawled on the earth as toddlers. Each of us grew up in the same world that was filled with imperfection and brokenness. Some of those who abuse were once the innocent ones being abused. Some of those who abuse walked down dark roads none of us would choose to walk.

Would we want to be left to our own sorrow and judgment after we went on such a journey? If there truly is a chance for redemption, would any of us truly ask for redemption to pass us by? Would we want to suffer when grace might lead us back to life and lifegiving ways? Is that what we would want if we walked down such roads in those shoes?

We are called to love one another. We are called to treat each other like we would want to be treated. We are called to live lives filled with the unmerited favor known as grace. Judgment belongs to the Lord and there may come a day when judgment falls, but between now and then we are called to lives of faith, hope, and love.

Yes, that means that my abuser may one day shelter under the wings of the God that shelters me. Yes, that means that the Holy Spirit may need to sit us both down one day or keep us under opposite wings of the divine Mothering Hen (Mt. 23:37).

Should such a day come, I will ask God to help me to make room, even if I still have moments where the tears flow and I ask for God to “go Old Testament” every now and again. I will stretch for God as I believe and ask God to help me in my unbelief.

Even after such a moment, I do have to state clearly that forgiving and making room for an abuser does not justify abusive behavior, ever. Also, let’s be absolutely clear that I don’t need to be the person to bring my abuser back into the community of life. While I may give my blessing for their restoration, I do not feel the need to do it myself. If you have been abused, it might not be your responsibility either.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Humility and Forgiveness

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

For the season of Lent we have been focusing on two scriptures each Sunday at the Maine Federated Church. The second scripture is the scripture that primarily informs our message and liturgy. The first scripture we read is read after our prayer of confession. For the last two Sundays we have focused on passages out of Epistles.

This Sunday we are drawing on Jesus’ teaching in Luke 14:11-17. In the New Revised Standard Version that teaching is described as a parable by the text. I honestly see it more in the realm of practical teaching.

When [Jesus] noticed how the guests chose the places of honor, he told them a parable. “When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not sit down at the place of honor, in case someone more distinguished than you has been invited by your host; and the host who invited both of you may come and say to you, ‘Give this person your place,’ and then in disgrace you would start to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit down at the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher’; then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Luke 14:11-17, NRSV

The basics of this passage are pretty apparent. Do not fight over places of honor, but instead sit in places marked by humility. For some reason, this passage always reminds of Thanksgiving as a young man at my aunt and uncle’s house. If you’re invited to a meal, offer to sit at the kids’ table if there are not enough seats at the “adult” table. As an adult I have come to realize that sometimes there is more fun at the kids’ table anyway.

If this is practical advice why connect it with the prayer of confession? Here’s my rationale. Jesus is trying to teach the guests at this meal a lesson about humility, but the issue is not actually where they are sitting. They are jockeying for positions because they believe they are more important than other people at the table.

When we come for forgiveness to God, we are invited to come with hope, confidence, and faith; however, we do not come with the assumption that we deserve forgiveness more than our neighbor. We are called to a place of honest humility. If we come with repentant hearts, the response is always “Friend, move up higher.” If we come with a sense of arrogance or superiority, then we have perhaps missed the point of this teaching.

Another piece of early Christian writing called “The Didache” says this in part 1.3: “Do not parade your own merits, or allow yourself to behave presumptuously, and do not make a point of associating with persons of eminence, but choose the companionship of honest and humble folk.” If we are indeed called like the early church to cultivate the companionship of the honest and humble, then it would seem that humility and honesty are traits we should seek to emulate with our lives. Perhaps there is no better time to practice these traits than when we come before God seeking forgiveness.