Domestic Violence Awareness

Doctor Appointments

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

The doctor’s appointment is over an hour away from where I live. I need to care for my eyes, especially as I have two potential eye conditions that can go awry quickly if left without care. For the past month it has felt like I have a loose stitch on the cornea I once had replaced and it is almost constantly in discomfort.

If I go to the appointment, will I still have money to buy my kids Christmas presents? If I go to the appointment, will they accept it if we end up eating peanut butter and jelly the next time I see them? Will they still love me if I spend the money I will need to spend on my eyes instead of spending that money on them?

On one level, this post has nothing to do with Domestic Violence. There’s a whole fleet of unrelated issues that I face as a person going through divorce at a distance from his children. On another level, this way of thinking is directly related to living with someone who taught me that caring for my needs was problematic and caused my family to suffer. Domestic Violence is not just about people hitting other people. Domestic Violence includes systematically tearing down others verbally until they forget how to care for their own needs.

As I look at the map, I hear those words telling me that I’m wasting money that my kids could use. At the same time, I need to take care of myself if my kids want to have a father who can see well enough to drive to see them. Sometimes I do not need to get another cup of coffee, but this particular need is not a question of whether or not I deserve a cup of coffee. There are legitimate needs in my life that need to be cared for despite being taught repeatedly that I needed to dismiss my own needs for the sake of my kids or the person who was once my wife.

It is okay to care for yourself. I have heard words that may be like those you might have heard or are hearing. Friend, it is okay to have legitimate needs and to fulfill those needs. There are times in life when it is absolutely valid to spend money to care for your needs, because those things are needs and not wants. You don’t need to be ashamed.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Log Filled Eyes and Surviving

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. You’ll receive the same judgment you give. Whatever you deal out will be dealt out to you. Why do you see the splinter that’s in your brother’s or sister’s eye, but don’t notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ when there’s a log in your eye? You deceive yourself! First take the log out of your eye, and then you’ll see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s or sister’s eye. Don’t give holy things to dogs, and don’t throw your pearls in front of pigs. They will stomp on the pearls, then turn around and attack you.

Matthew 7:1-6, CEB

One of the hardest things for me to accept along the path I have walked was my own need to have perspective. Along life’s journey I had come to believe that it was judgmental to look critically at someone else’s actions, especially if I knew that I was imperfect. I have had to learn to have perspective.

I am a trained Biblical scholar who has spent over a decade teaching other people to take the scriptures seriously. One of the largest tools in my toolbox is to model a response to scripture by considering deeply how the scriptures affect my every day life and living in light of those considerations. In particular, I have felt compelled by both belief and position to move past being judgmental to a place of loving acceptance of other people.

As a result when things happened that were unacceptable, I did my best to look for the log in my own eye. When I was yelled at for fulfilling a basic need, the assumption I immediately made was that the thing I thought I needed was the issue. Many times over the years I had wanted things that were less than necessary, so I thought that the needs I had in the those moments must now must also be unnecessary.

Over the years I spent a lot of time looking for the log in my own eye. I thought that all of the problems my family faced were my fault. I listened to the words over and over until I agreed with my partner when she stated that everything wrong in our life together was my fault. If I wasn’t so broken, things would be great. If I wasn’t so needy, she wouldn’t yell. If I could do a little better, she wouldn’t need to laugh at me.

In hindsight, the relationship was toxic to the point that I really did start having a problem that needed fixing. The primary problem was not that I fell short in many ways, although I still had shortcomings and still have shortcomings. The problem was that I took the good life that God had given to me and kept handing it over to someone who would stomp on what was good in me, turn, and attack me.

To be absolutely clear, the problem was not that I was too judgmental and should immediately stop to find out what was wrong with me. The problem was that I valued myself so little that I forgot one of the most holy tenets of my faith: that God loved me and cared about me deeply. While this was happening, I taught others that God was not okay with such behavior out in the world. The things I taught did not line up with the life I lived.

In practice, I forgot that God was not okay with the mocking laughter or the verbal abuse inside my marriage. Even as I taught that others should never hit their spouses or partners, I continued to forgive the pain of what I considered brief but forgivable moments throughout the years. I had all the grace I could muster for others but accepted no part of that grace in my own life.

I didn’t deserve such behavior and I should have asked for help. If you are going through something similar, you don’t deserve such treatment either. Years later, I am working hard to get to a point where I can look in a mirror without hearing the words that I should never have accepted in the first place. It hurts to admit it, but I can’t look at the good person in the mirror without hearing how I’m “pathetic.”

Being forgiving is a wonderful and noble thing. Humility is an important and powerful gift of the Spirit. Neither forgiveness nor humility make Domestic Violence acceptable. From my perspective as a Christian, I believe that each one of us have been given gifts that are holy and good. We should never throw them before the swine of the world that will trample them and attack us for sharing our lives.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Complete Personhood

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

It can be easy to overlook the underlying issues that exist when considering the effects of Domestic Violence within the family. One issue that can be easily overlooked is how acts of Domestic Violence can affect the wellbeing of others. It may seem overly simplistic, but the simple things are often those most often overlooked.

As stated in other posts this month, the folks over at DomesticViolence.org wisely share that “Domestic violence shows itself in a number of different forms, whether it’s punching, slapping, choking, or threatening, manipulating, yelling and many others.” They are absolutely correct when they state that such acts are never okay, but why?

I like to rely on the wisdom of others as a United Methodist minister and as a person. One document of living wisdom from the ecclesial world is the Book of Resolutions, which is a collection of non-binding statements which often express the ideals and sentiments of the church as gathered every quadrennium (except for 2020) since 1792. The process of holy conferencing has not always been perfect, but the theory behind acts of holy conferencing remains sound (in my opinion).

The 2016 Book of Resolutions is an imperfect document created by a people who believe in striving towards perfection. The principles of Holy Conferencing helped to create this imperfect document. Even imperfect, the imperfections of this work do not preclude it from holding wisdom. The 2016 Book of Resolutions states in the section on the family within “The Nurturing Community” in ¶161.II.B. :

“We believe the family to be the basic human community through which persons are nurtured and sustained in mutual love, responsibility, respect, and fidelity. We affirm the importance of loving parents for all children. We also understand the family as encompassing a wider range of options than that of the two-generational unit of parents and children (the nuclear family). We affirm shared responsibility for parenting where there are two parents and encourage social, economic, and religious efforts to maintain and strengthen relationships within families in order that every member may be assisted toward complete personhood.”

¶161.II.B. “The Nurturing Community, The Family” in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2016

The final statement of that section speaks to a family that ideally helps each person to become whole in each part of their personhood. Although the facets of human life are philosophically debatable, the aim for families to help each person become whole in body, spirit, and soul is an admirable aim.

What happens when we take the people in that system and shatter the dynamics between the members? Can a person be whole in spirit and soul as their body is covered in bruises? Can a person have a truly healthy body when their spirit is domineered and diminished by another person who should be nurturing them?

It is very easy to stand in judgment over situations where there is domestic violence: Are people being too sensitive? Couldn’t that person just say something? Shouldn’t they just stand up for themselves? Isn’t that person just asking for it?

It is easy to dismiss domestic violence from the outside, but from the inside things may not be so easily dismissed. Why doesn’t the person with thirty pounds of muscle just walk away from the person hitting them? Maybe they are frightened, threatened, or intimidated. Even if we never know why such a situation exists, it is still important to stand up for the ideal that every person should be provided a chance to be a whole and complete person.

Wholeness looks different from person from person, but each person should have a chance to live into their own personhood. Just like with the Book of Resolutions, things may not be perfect yet, but today is a good day to begin to work towards a more perfect tomorrow.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Silenced by Fear

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

A while back I had a deep conversation with someone I trust deeply. She asked me why I haven’t shared my poetry lately. I told her that isn’t that I have stopped writing poetry: I have one that I’ve been working on for over a month, which is unheard of on my end. Instead, my blog has remained empty due to a sense of fear, frustration, and worry.

How do you share poetry that is deeply personal when you feel as if your abuser will turn it against you in court? How do you express the depth of sorrow that fills every inch of your being when such an acknowledgment might lead to people saying that such expressions are marks of weakness? How can you be expected to care for children if you write these things that make you appear weak before others?

The poem I am writing is about the pain in and wounds on my knuckles after long sessions with my punching bag. As I burn calories striking the punching bag, my hands often end up aching deeply. At times, the skin has broken. Once, it took weeks for the tear over my knuckle to heal. More than once I have sat in my car, in my chair, at my desk, and even stood in the pulpit while feeling my fingers and knuckles throb from exercising the night before.

If I share a poem about hitting a boxing bag, will that be seen as a sign that I am violent? If I share how it has been a long time since I have felt safe, will that be enough to overcome the presumption that I must be a violent person just because I am a cisgender white male?

Do people know how my weight has made me feel unable to flee for decades? Do people know that my professional role and personal beliefs have often conspired to make me feel as if I have had to take the abuse time and time again? Do people know about the memories from being struck, the pain from hearing the derisive laughter, or even the sorrow of having children taken away because on the outside I may look like a bad guy at first glance? Do people know how I felt as if I would lose my job if I ever said anything and how it felt when my abuser acted as if nobody would ever believe me?

So, can I share that poem? Can I share poetry about how the bag welcomes my feelings when the world might not? Can I share a verse or two about how the pain of bloody knuckles sometimes makes me feel real and grounded during a troubling time in my life? Can I share that my knuckles ache but I am okay with that pain? Can I share that it means more to me when I choose to turn the other cheek when I actually know that I have an option? Can I share that the bloody knuckles come with the knowledge that I need not be afraid?

I can, but even in a month where the veil is pulled back on this issue in my life, I probably will not share that poem. It isn’t ready and I don’t know that I’m ready to trust others with my wounded soul when they read those words. Instead I will simply ask others whether or not they understand that people are not always the way they look on the surface.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. For the month of October I am using the platform I have as an individual and as a clergyperson to raise awareness of this issue and to work towards a better future for all people. I am raising these issues both as a person with a moral obligation and as a person who has experienced domestic violence. As the Companion Litany to the Social Creed of the United Methodist Church states:

“Today is the day God deplores violence in our homes and streets,
rebukes the world’s warring madness,
humbles the powerful and lifts up the lowly.
And so shall we.”

United Methodist Book of Resolutions, 2016, ¶ 166. “OUR SOCIAL CREED”

Domestic Violence knows no boundaries. People of every persuasion can be affected by domestic violence regardless of their gender identity, cultural norms, religious persuasion, and any every other form of distinction. As it says over at DomesticViolence.org, domestic violence “affects not only women, but men and children, of all different races, status, religions, and culture. No one is immune to it.”

Throughout this month I will likely share a bit of my experience, share how I have begun to heal, and hopefully highlight parts of the conversation in and around these topics, but my voice is not the only voice. Read widely, read wisely, and be prepared for both the joy of successes and the sorrow of struggles. 

A word of unasked for advice: Like most moments in life, this is a wonderful month to consider the old phrase “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” before diving into the comment sections of people you do not know.

October has been Domestic Violence Awareness month since it was first introduced by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 1981. Regardless of the month, domestic violence is never okay, no matter the circumstances. If you or someone you know is in desperate need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.