Month: February 2024

Recovery and Struggles

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Before his conversion, St. Paul gained notoriety for harassing, arresting, and even stoning the followers of Jesus. He believed he was doing God’s work. Later the tables would be turned, and Paul himself would be harassed and ultimately put to death at the insistence of religious leaders. It was worshipers of the old Roman gods that cheered as the Christians were fed to the lions. But soon, Christian bishops were using the ‘keys to the Kingdom’ to anathematize and excommunicate those who didn’t conform to their understanding of the faith. Over the centuries it was religious leaders, or secular leaders appealing to the religiosity of their people, that led the Crusades, the Inquisition, the pogroms, the religious wars, burnings at the stake—all in the name of a crucified Messiah who called people to love their enemies.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton,“Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple

I often struggle with one reality of life as a believer in recovery. I don’t speak on behalf of any twelve-step group, including the one I self-identify as belonging to as a member. I even hesitate to identify the group, but I will state that I am far from the only alcoholic in recovery.

As a member of that group, I tend to regularly come across individuals who claim to have been harmed by the church. Listening to their stories, I can even identify with how the church could have very well harmed those people in those situations over the years. I might occasionally have come to another conclusion in their shoes, but those aren’t my shoes. I listen and think about their words carefully.

In those settings, I am not a defender of the church or the behavior of Christians, which makes me grateful as there are very few things more difficult than making an alcoholic see their side of things even after they enter into recovery. Allow me to take a moment to thank God for the fact that my sponsor still tries to help me see the light. One might say it is almost impossible to convince another person to look in the mirror when they are certain they have been done wrong by anyone or any institution.

It is with that perspective in mind that I have to acknowledge that the church has certainly done harm even as I also acknowledge that the church itself has faced harm from others. At this point in history, most of the Christians I personally know have always lived in either a Christian or post-Christian culture where they have been relatively safe. I have lived most of my life and ministry in a post-Christian culture while working with those who spent most of their lives in a fairly homogenous culture with a decidedly Christian flavor.

In public conversation, it rarely ends well to point out the fact that Christianity was once the underdog and that in some ways it is becoming more of an underdog. Christians still engage in crucifying others even as they claim victimhood. Are they victims? I am sure I am not qualified to be the judge of that situation.

Still, I can see the disconnect in perspective from my daily reality. Even as certain groups on the outside look at Christianity and see the big buildings and assume that they are full of militant and angry people like someone they met forty years, twenty years, five years, or even a week ago, it probably is an impossible task to convince them to see what I see. They see their pain and don’t see inside the sometimes empty buildings behind those doors. Few people realize how many churches are full of well-intentioned people who often want little more than to live life in peace, share their faith, and to get a call from their grandkids now and again. Few angry people realize that’s what is occasionally the situation behind those shiny doors and a few people who do are cheering that reality.

I know that it is often challenging to live as a person of faith in these days. Many of us who follow the crucified Messiah see the damage of the past even as we acknowledge that our own past has a history of struggle and pain. We acknowledge it even as we remember the promise made to us: we can follow if we take up our cross. If we have a certain mindset, which I do not generally own or like, we would point out that a mindset of a world in “total depravity” means that most, if not all of us, will suffer from the brokenness of humanity. Still, I don’t find that either theologically appealing or even helpful. It is easy to point out that that group did the harm instead of acknowledging the fact that we each, in recovery terms, have to mind our own side of the street.

This is a lengthy blog entry. In the end, I hope you find that it begins with an echo of the initial sentiment which I wrote very carefully.

We each come across places where we have seen other people hurt by and hurting others. In those moments, I find it best to listen and take note of where I might play a similar role in the lives of another person. If I am blessed, I can move on with a conscious decision to avoid perpetuating the cycle of harm. In the end, I can’t fix the pain caused by another person. I can work to be a different person who is seeking to be more and more like the Christ who refused to cast the first stone.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

The Forest for the Trees

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Once more, Peter represents us, the everyday disciple. I suspect that there have been many times in my life where my heart was in the right place, but I was not thinking God’s thoughts. Instead, I was analyzing the situation from my very human perspective. There are times we make important decisions based upon our own logic, spending little or no time praying or seeking to understand God’s thoughts.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

What does it mean to identify with a text? There are many different definitions of what it means to look at a text and find something in common with the author, the text, or even just the emotion behind the text. In our reading for this week, Simon Peter does the thing he does so very well. Simon Peter takes one step forward and one step back.

I don’t know that Simon Peter felt exactly how I felt while reading the chapter this week, but if I were in Simon Peter’s shoes, I would be incredibly frustrated. Peter was seemingly a disciple who was trying his best to understand what was literally an unprecedented situation: God made flesh. To be fully honest, Simon Peter was one of the few people who ever had to deal with the situation he was in as a person. There was no example who left behind a manual with clearly laid out instructions from before his time. Nobody has truly had to deal with the same circumstances since.

Instead of a manual for what to do, Simon Peter left behind a series of stories of almost getting it. Instead of getting credit, Simon Peter has often been lambasted for not getting things right. I am probably projecting on Simon Peter, but it seems truly and utterly unfair to judge Peter for looking at things with the only perspective he had. To be clear, I neither criticize nor accuse Rev. Hamilton of doing anything untoward with Peter’s stories. I criticize myself for being really hard on Peter over the years.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who has often walked face-first into my own assumptions. I see some of the places where I did my best to live life with an honest heart that was doing the very best job it could in the circumstances. I took the screwdriver in my hand and set to work trying to build a bookcase. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t have the allen wrench I needed.

Sometimes it is frustrating to constantly swing at life with a hammer only to realize the situation before me requires screws and not nails. Sometimes it hurts to constantly fall short despite the fact that you are legitimately doing your best. Sometimes it can really frustrate and irritate a person. I have seen ministers leave the ministry as a result of the fact that they simply cannot get enough leverage on the hammer no matter the angle they approach the problem from to turn the screw into place.

It is good to note that Jesus really loved Simon Peter. I hope he forgave himself for constantly bringing a salad to a chili contest. I mean, at least he brought food, unlike the other disciples? I know that I probably owe Peter an apology. I probably owe myself an apology as well.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

The Devil in Disciple’s Clothing

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“What was the devil up to in the wilderness? He offered Jesus success without suffering and a crown without a cross. How alluring that must have been. Of course, that would have come at the cost of bowing the knee to the devil. In the end, Jesus rejected the lure.

Three years later, it was his own disciple, the man who would be the rock upon whom he would build his church, who was encouraging Jesus to pursue the crown without the cross. Peter wasn’t intending to lead Jesus astray; he was only using human logic and seeking to look out for his friend. Which reminds me that even our Christian friends, pastors, and counselors can at times lead us away from God’s path. They would, like Peter, do it unwittingly, but with real consequences. And we might be Peter for someone else, leading them astray without intending to do so. When we’re thinking only human thoughts, we’ll often counsel against the hard path, the way of suffering.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

Rev. Hamilton’s words above have caused me a moment of pause. As I write these words, I have had a difficult few days in a good way. Two of my three children have been in town for winter break and my normal routine was almost immediately tossed to the side by their presence.

I have baked more cakes in the past week than I have in the past two years. I had some apples towards the end of their shelf life, so it has been apple cake after apple cake in our house. Burgers, smoked chicken, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, and all sorts of things that I generally do not cook for myself.

It is different to take time to cook, once again, instead of taking time to walk in circles around a sanctuary memorizing the sermon. It is different to listen to kids playing video games instead of spending time focusing in silent prayer. Everything seemed out of sync and strange.

It has been a blessing to have a few moments of what my colleagues with children would see as normal life. It has also been a bit guilt-inducing as I have had a few moments of wondering how far I would be on my to-do list if I had a babysitter. Even taking an hour to care for my body by weight-lifting without kicking myself has been challenging.

It is strange to think that this might be far more normal and a far more regular occurrence if I had listened to different voices years ago. Instead of burying myself in work and poor choices, I could have listened to the people who were expressing concern. Instead of listening to the voices telling me that the Christlike thing was to dig deeper and do all things through Christ, I could have actually stopped to ask God if I was supposed to be fearful all the time. Instead of coping poorly, I could have actually asked if I was meant to stand on my own too feet alone long before things went so far off course.

Can I go back in time and change the decisions I once made? No. Can I decide to trust God and ask for help moving forward? Absolutely. I can confess my sins and make amends for my past as best as I am able, but I can’t change the past.

What’s more, as a person who has a role in the lives of others, I can do my best to be aware of the fact that my actions can have consequences in the lives around me. Have I caused others to stumble? Possibly, but I think the more productive thing to do is to take note of the possibility and do my best to not do it again. I may intend to do no harm, but I need to remain aware of the fact that I have the capacity.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Searching for Renewal

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“This hope for the ideal king, the coming king, not just an anointed one but the Anointed One, became particularly pronounced when the land of Israel was ruled by foreign powers, when the people were oppressed, or when the national leaders were turning away from God. Faithful Jews would search the Scriptures for any hint or promise concerning the king that was to come, who would usher in God’s kingdom on earth. Christ or Messiah was a title that meant the King the Jewish people had been waiting for.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

For fifteen years I have celebrated Lent as a minister within the church. The very first year or two was a bit strange as I came to experience Lent differently as a minister. I was halfway through seminary, had served in youth ministry, and had been in a number of ministry settings, but was first beginning to serve as the pastor of a congregation.

We had a more fundamentalistic church down the road from our church and I remember experiencing the first “Cross Walk” with them during Lent. It was interesting to see how they discussed the events, interpreted the stories, and even adapted spiritual practices from other denominations in order to celebrate the season. It was the first time I saw the Stations of the Cross as an evangelistic tool with the end goal of leading to the “ABC” prayer instead of being a tool for reflection and growth. It was weird to see one church appropriate the practices of another and change it so radically.

In and among those first few years I began to realize there was a profound disconnect within the church. I had grown up in ecumenical youth ministries designed to harmonize in a more diverse setting and within the United Methodist Church, which tended to be pretty non-political whenever possible. For the first time, I saw the stirrings of what today is fairly common: connecting the fates of one politician or another to the very will of God. I know that it happened frequently throughout our history, but it was the first time I saw it from a position of leadership instead of from a position where I could put my head in the sand when it became uncomfortable.

Questions became awkward: Didn’t God send one particular leader as the one who should rule over us? Don’t we understand that God wants us to do whatever is possible to get a different politician in place because they are meant to rule over us? Isn’t this one vision for the future God’s vision?

To be honest, it continues to be hard for me to understand. I have been American my entire life and I have never had a king who ruled over me on earth. Overthrowing tyrants was how our history was taught to me as a child because nobody has the right to enforce things like taxation without representation or the quartering of soldiers. It was really disconcerting to see people begin to argue for the Divine Right of a political party while living within a republic that had overthrown the system of the previous kings that had ruled over these lands from across the sea. We seemed to go from a past where we demanded the king’s soldiers stay out of our homes to a system where we glued ourselves to televisions that demanded we believe a certain way or behave a certain way to align ourselves with “right thinking.”

At the same time, I get it. The desire for a King to overcome the frailties of the world is pretty ubiquitous with being a part of the human race. Many of us want someone to set things right when life isn’t fair. God takes time and it can be pretty normal to look out on the world and ask for something more concrete. The Israelites in the scriptures called for a king at the end of the age of the Judges. The Maccabean revolution happened between the Protestant testaments. Rev. Hamilton points out the way that even the early disciples lived among and as a part of people looking for THE king in Jesus’ day. As Rev. Hamilton cheekily puts it:

“They awaited a warrior-priest-king who would raise an army to cast out the Romans, call the Jewish people to repentance, purify themselves before God, and then serve as a light to the nations. To borrow a phrase from our own day, most Jews of the time of Jesus anticipated a Messiah who would ‘“’make Israel great again.’ ”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

I’m not going to judge people for wanting another king to set things right when they are scared or insecure. A lot of us don’t understand what’s happening in the world and wish someone would make it better. Even without the politics of economics and power, a lot of us are frightened when we think about how the world can change with the call of a doctor or with a knock on the door by a police officer. It is easy to be frightened and it can seem better to have a big strong authoritarian figure or policy to protect us when the heavens can seem so silent.

All of that being said, as a minister, I can firmly state that in my understanding that Jesus didn’t come to be that kind of King. Jesus took the hard road of faithfulness and asked us to follow. One of the things about God promising to be with us in the Valley of the Shadow of Death is understanding that most of us will likely pass through that valley. No authoritarian power or king can change the fact that the world is frightening. Those powerful people on television and at the rallies cannot protect you and they shouldn’t. There is one King of Righteousness and that King invites us to walk with humility down difficult roads.

The thing is that God promises restoration, but the restoration promised is primarily focused on the future instead of the past. If you’re looking for the restoration of an ideal that has been lost, you won’t find it in your scriptures. The story goes from living in a Garden to living in a Holy City come down from heaven: allow me to cheekily call it divine urbanization. Even the nicest stories from Acts still have hard moments. Even the Garden of Eden had peril and failure. If you’re aiming for a Messiah to set the world right, you need to look forward, not backward.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Showing more faith

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“After rescuing him, Jesus said to Peter, ‘You man of weak faith! Why did you begin to have doubts?’ The Gospel doesn’t tell us anything about Jesus’ tone of voice or inflection. But I don’t think he was really chastising Peter. After all, Peter showed more faith than the eleven who remained in the boat.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

The blog has been difficult to write this week. If you hadn’t noticed, this chapter triggered a great deal within me. I have always felt an affinity with this story and with the desire to be out on the waves of life instead of being a “boat potato.” I haven’t always known how to get out of the boat, but it feels increasingly comfortable to be tossed out of the boat and onto the waves of life.

The last week of this study revolves around the story of Simon Peter on the beach after the resurrection, but I like to think that Peter learned the audacity to face down all his shortcomings and come back to Jesus because of moments like the experience we have studied this week. I like to think that Peter became far more familiar with learning gratitude while standing soaking wet in front of Jesus than he would have ever expected.

I, also, do not believe that Jesus was chastising SImon Peter for having a lack of faith. Peter was no boat potato. Peter may have stumbled, but Peter was out of the boat. Peter may have fallen in the water, but he was willing to do something others did not quite have the audacity to attempt. Peter may be many things, but he was seemingly never a coward. He faced the wind and the waves, would sit by the fire in the dark of night when all others were gone, and would be the first to rush for the beach. Yes, he was perhaps a bit overly enthusiastic with a sword, but he was still a man who had faith.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Fear as the Gatekeeper

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Fear keeps some people in dead-end jobs and environments so miserable that they dread going to work—and yet they come back day after day because they are afraid to go into another field that would actually excite them. I’ve known people who stayed in abusive marriages because they were more afraid of venturing into the unknown than of staying with their abuser.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

Fear is sometimes the biggest gatekeeper to change. There are often other collaborating factors that keep us in our place, but fear itself can be the hardest obstacle to overcome. Rev. Hamilton writes about people who allow fear to keep them in abusive marriages in our chapter this week. He’s right.

I am in long-term recovery from a disease that I would likely have had resting in the background even if I never picked up a bottle. My mother was an alcoholic and I am one too. I often speak about how alcoholism is not a four-letter word and regularly point out how there is hope for people facing alcoholism both during communion services and throughout the week both at work and in my personal life.

I don’t often share openly about how strong a factor fear was in my own disease. I should have had both the education and the experience to know just how dangerous it was to mix alcohol with fear. It was easier to drink than to face the things I was afraid of doing. Standing up for myself, my children, and my future should have been a higher priority than escapism, but it wasn’t because I was afraid. I was afraid of my former partner, my district superintendent, and even the church leaders who really wanted what was best for me even when all I could hear was criticism. I was afraid.

After being called forward by Jesus, Simon Peter stepped out of the boat. He was able to take a few steps and live the kind of life many of us dream of experiencing. He didn’t run a marathon out on the waves, but he stepped further out into the unknown than any of the other disciples. He risked it all and found Jesus out on the waves.

On different seas, I risked it all. I could have scraped and cowered further, but I stood up for myself. I stood up for myself and said I didn’t want to be abused anymore. When my former partner responded to my asking for freedom by calling my District Superintendent and sharing my medical history without consent, I stood with my head tall in my conversation with my supervisor. I admitted I had a problem, had been working towards recovery for years, told her what I had been doing and what I was doing about it, and worked within the covenant community to find a way forward. I was honest with my SPRC and eventually spoke about my experiences openly from the pulpit. I risked stepping out into some pretty serious wind and waves in order to break the shackles of fear.

I don’t regret standing up for myself. In recovery circles, we talk about how we come to not regret the past nor wish to change it because the road we have walked down gives us the tools to help other people. The waves can be choppy and I have had to reach out a time or two, but I know one thing: I never want to feel the shackle of fear around my neck again. I would rather live in honest, open recovery than seek to hide my identity again. I’m grateful for the freedom that came from stumbling out of that boat.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

The Value of Memorization

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Jesus said to them, ‘All who want to come after me must say no to themselves, take up their cross, and follow me. All who want to save their lives will lose them. But all who lose their lives because of me and because of the good news will save them. Why would people gain the whole world but lose their lives? Whoever is ashamed of me and my words in this unfaithful and sinful generation, the Human One will be ashamed of that person when he comes in the Father’s glory with the holy angels.’ “

Mark 8:34-38, CEB

A strange thing happened the other day. My two children and I were having one last dinner before they returned to their sibling and mother in Springville when I asked an innocent question. I asked my child if they were looking forward to going back to be with their mother. My six-year-old looked me in the eye and said “I don’t want to go back to Springville. I want to live in Trumansburg with you.”

My heart raced. What do you say in that moment? Do you stop everything and record the conversation? Do you call your lawyer? Do you call the child’s lawyer? What happens in those moments defines the kind of person we are in this life. What should I do?

I told my child that her mother would be really sad if she just stayed here. I invited her to go home and tell her mother how she felt. I invited her to talk with her mother because I believed her mother would be really sad if suddenly her child weren’t a part of her daily life. I said this as an authority because that’s exactly what happened to me. I invited my child to do the kind thing and speak with her mother about how she felt instead of just violently ripping the child out of her mother’s life. I did let both my former partner and my attorney know about the exchange, but I left the matter in the hands of God.

Would I have been in the right to treat my former partner the way she showed that she wanted to be treated in her actions towards me? I honestly don’t think so. I have been trying to teach my children to treat other people like they’d like to be treated their whole lives. While Hope did express her feelings to me, I think the reality is that she needs to tell her mother. Even at six, there’s power in Hope sharing her truth with her mother.

Today I was memorizing the passage above for this weekend. I was listening to the words as I memorized and realized the simple truth that if I had ignored my spiritual training and instead done the very human thing of striking back, I wouldn’t just be wrong. I would be ashamed. What good would it be to gain the whole world (i.e., my children back into my life) if it meant that I would lose my soul? What could I possibly give back to regain my soul’s life after I did such an awful thing to another human being? It doesn’t matter that she’s done those things to me. How could I possibly make amends for that kind of sin? How could I even begin to sleep at night knowing how shamefully I had acted? How could I look anyone in the eye?

I don’t want Jesus to be ashamed of me. I’m not ashamed of his words even when they are hard to follow. I’m sometimes called to say no to myself, take up my cross, and follow even when that means I’m alone in my home with just an old dog again today. What could I possibly do differently since I know these are the very words God has brought into my life? What could I give to pay the very price for my defiance?

Memorization is not just about rote learning. Memorization helps us to learn the scriptures and then apply them to our lives. It is really very difficult to skirt past words we don’t like when they are right in front of us. I am thankful that I spent so much time in my life learning the scriptures so that when I need to know them, they’re a part of me.

Boat Potatoes

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“We often knock Peter because, as we’ll see in a moment, he’s going to take his eyes off of Jesus and begin to sink. But notice the other eleven disciples never even thought about getting out of the boat. Ortberg calls them ‘boat potatoes.’ They stayed where they were. They remained in the boat because they were afraid of what could happen if they moved beyond it.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

It is impossible for me to overstate how much I appreciate the fact that the term “boat potatoes” exists. This is single-handedly one of the funniest descriptions of something that happens all the time that I have read in a very long time.

Am I guilty of being a “boat potato?” Probably! There have definitely been points where I have just shrugged and gone along with life because that’s simply how a person is supposed to live their life. Can I think of a moment where I have been a boat potato recently?

I don’t know if I have or not. The thing about the other eleven disciples is that we learn that they are, in fact, boat potatoes, because Simon Peter steps out of the boat. If Simon Peter wasn’t there, then we might perhaps just think of them as ordinary people who would never step out of a boat. As already covered this week in an earlier post, sitting in the boat is the sensible thing to do. It would be weird to try and walk on the water in the first place. It would be absolutely bonkers to consider getting out of the boat onto the surface of the lake in the middle of a storm.

They are revealed as being boat potatoes because one of them decided to put himself into a potato cannon of faith and light the ignitor by asking Jesus if he could come out on the water. Without the revelatory presence of SImon Peter, there’s no way to know.

So, am I another boat potato? I guess the only way to know is to look around me and see whether or not I am just sitting in the boat. Alternatively, if I look around and notice nobody is out on the water with me, am I just unhinged or am I proving, definitively, that I am not a boat potato?

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

It does sound stupid

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Have you ever thought about what an odd thing that is to say in this situation? It sounds almost idiotic. I try to put myself in Peter’s position. I don’t know what Jesus is doing, or how he’s doing it, but if I see him walking on the water in a storm that might cause me to drown, I imagine I would say, ‘Jesus, come get in the boat!’ I’d even throw him a life jacket. I’d reach out my hand to help pull him in. But Peter does the opposite. He has the audacity to ask Jesus to bid him to step out of the boat and walk on the water. That gives you a clue as to why Peter is the prince of the apostles. When everyone else was too scared or too confused to respond, Peter took the lead. He alone thought to himself, ‘If Jesus can walk on the water, maybe I can do it too.’ ”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

I think we should all agree that Rev. Hamilton is correct. What Peter does in this telling of the story is absolutely strange. Who, being in the right frame of mind, would possibly make that same choice to decide to get out of a perfectly good boat to walk on the water? Simon Peter actually stepped out of the boat and onto the water just moments after everyone around him was freaking out and believing that Jesus was a ghost.

You know those videos that have the security camera footage where the absolutely unexplainable happens? You know, those weird videos where one moment everything will be quiet and the next moment there’s a disembodied head floating past a window. Jesus is effectively out there like a disembodied head in the window and Peter says, “Hey, I should go over there!”

Why? Peter, why? Who goes into the dark basement when there’s a serial killer on the loose? Who goes for a walk through the graveyard when that weird meteorite is passing over head and letting off strange radiation? Who gets out of a sailboat in the middle of a storm when there’s almost not chance you could swim through the wind and the waves?

Simon Peter, that’s who. Rev. Hamilton calls him the prince of the disciples and I have to be honest, that’s a weird way to describe someone who risked winning the Darwin Award. Hamilton puts it clearly:

“Peter had been working on the water for his entire adult life. His experience had taught him that getting out of a boat on the lake meant that a person either would have to sink or swim; walking was not an option. And in a storm like that, and being far from shore, swimming wasn’t much of an option either. Yet here was Simon Peter, stepping out of the boat, no life jacket, no life buoy. Just Jesus.”

What Peter does in this story is completely off the rails and is profoundly absurd. Peter arguably does one of the craziest things a person does in scripture. Peter also is the only one of twelve who came to know what it was like to walk on water that day. Rev. Hamilton does point out that Peter waits for Jesus to invite him instead of just stepping out of the boat, but it is still an arguably unhinged thing to even think to ask such a question.

Perhaps the difference between being faithful and being unhinged is, occasionally, a matter of perspective. It is an interesting to consider now and again.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Jesus and the tiller

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Jesus may not make the storm go away, as he did for Peter and the disciples. The cancer may still be there. The spouse may still be gone. But Jesus is riding it out with us, and somehow that makes the storm less terrifying. That is part of what the Christian’s spiritual life is about. Feeling Jesus’ presence with us enables us to be calmed, even if the storm is raging all around us.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

I grew up on Lake Erie, which is much larger than either the Sea of Galilee or the Lake of the Ozarks which Rev. Hamilton so often references in our chapter this week. My father owned a twenty-four-foot sailboat which, as we read, is about the length of the boats from the time of Jesus. We would sail regularly as children, especially after my mother passed away. Grief is a tough thing and my father did what he had to do to survive difficult days while coping with the loss of his wife.

In our chapter this week, Rev. Hamilton writes about how comforting it is to know that Jesus is there with us when the storms rise. It reminded me of a popular song about Jesus taking the wheel of life as we go down the road of life. It is a beautiful and catchy song, but it differs from my experience of things in recent years.

A few years ago my life fell apart. Within a year and a half a pandemic struck, my disease hit a critical point, what was left of my marriage disintegrated, and I became more of a thing than a person in my own home. I once was given the opportunity to have a say in my own life, but was treated like a wounded animal that needed to be put down instead of as a human being with rights and a family. It isn’t pretty to say, but it does help to point out and normalize the conversation that these things happen to people of every gender, age, educational level, and station in life.

To be honest, it would have been the perfect time to have Jesus take the wheel of life. The problem is that the wheels on the car kept driving straight towards oblivion. I wanted to let go: don’t answer the mail, don’t go to work, don’t answer the phone, and certainly don’t tell people what was happening in my life. If Jesus had the wheel then personal responsibility was meaningless. It would have been great to just let go, but what would happen if I didn’t do what needed to be done next? I would probably be dead from either a resurfacing of my disease that I had spent years seeking to overcome or from being thrown out of my home for not doing the work I am called to do with my life.

As a kid on that boat, I was once going out with my father into a storm to ride on the winds and waves. We were going to go bow-first into the waves so that the winds wouldn’t toss us off course. My father went below deck for maybe five seconds. I moved the tiller a little to one side and we nearly capsized. In a moment the already frightening situation went from scary to terrifying. I thought we were going to die. To be honest, it is impressive that nobody was hurt or killed.

It is dangerous to let go of the tiller or to treat it as anything less than a critical piece of machinery upon which your life can depend. It is equally dangerous to just let go of the wheel and hope it will point down the road.

For me, one of the most important things in this chapter is the fact that Rev. Hamilton points out that Jesus is in the boat with us in the middle of the storms of life. Jesus’ presence does not mean that the storms will always cease or that there won’t be moments of chaotic fear, but it does give us the hope that we are not alone. Even as we gingerly hold the tiller, we do not need to face the storms alone.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Normalizing Storms

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Every week during worship, people at Church of the Resurrection turn in prayer request cards. We receive well over one hundred of them in a typical week. One might be from a woman whose daughter is struggling with depression. Another might be from someone whose spouse just left them. Yet another might involve someone who is fighting an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or pornography. Some are from people who recently lost their jobs. Others come from those who lost loved ones. All of these people are in the midst of storms in their lives. Some have been tossed about by the waves for months and are holding on with white knuckles for dear life. For others, the storm just blew in last week. For most, it’s a frightening experience.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

The prayers of the people can be a complicated thing to handle as a pastor. Long ago, a lot of churches stood up and shared their prayer concerns. It was wonderful. As time passed, we began to recognize the difficulties that come with differing abilities to hear, so microphones were passed. Few people realize just how strange things can get when you hand out a microphone to individuals who may or may not have every intention of doing the right thing as they lift up a concern for someone else. Usually, it is harmless. Sometimes it can be incredibly harmful.

As a minister, I have to admit that I take safety and welcome seriously as I lead the congregation I have been sent to serve. I want people to feel free to lift up prayers to God and live with the assurance that God sees the prayers that are within the hearts of each person in the room. Also, I have served places where public shame has led to people ending their lives because they could not bear the shame of something that happened to them.

I have a piece of pottery on my kitchen counter that holds all of the utensils I use to cook like wooden spoons, spatulas, and even scoops for soup. I received it at a fundraiser for the local school next to the town where I served. We went to support a teenager we knew through the local summer camp who organized the drive. When we heard about the events that caused her to feel such shame that it led to her death, I was heartbroken. Sometimes I understand the idea of total depravity too well.

The last thing I want is for prayer concerns to cause someone to be shamed into silence or isolation. Yes, it has happened over the years. Yes, especially in the political climate of the past few years, I have seen prayer requests lifted up as an attempt to call the faithful to political action for one candidate or another, but often one in particular. I want my church to neither non-consensually shame people from a microphone nor to use the church as a place for a political rally. When people think that God wants them to support a particular candidate in church and to invite others to do likewise, it can really disrupt things. Communities are torn apart over such prayer requests.

At the same time, Rev. Hamilton’s experience of seeing the need for love and support is not unique. Ministers see people on the seas of life like Simon Peter and the other disciples on a regular basis. Sometimes the squalls last five minutes and sometimes they seem to last forever. Life can be truly frightening for many of us, including ministers. We may not pray for each person by name every week of the year in church, but I know as a minister that I do remember the people we love in our thoughts and in our prayers on a regular basis on both Sunday mornings and throughout the week.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Fear in the midst of Deep Waters

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“Many of the things that Jesus calls us to do leave us feeling a bit afraid. For me, that included answering the call to full-time ministry and starting a church, but it was also getting married, having children, caring for people I don’t know, going to places I’ve never been, giving money I didn’t think I could spare. In a thousand ways he’s had to reassure me with the words, ‘Don’t be afraid’ before he called me to his mission in the moment, for the day, in my life.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple

Sometimes it is difficult to identify with an author’s words instead of attempting to tear them down. I have never quite moved beyond that desire to be the smartest person in every room, and sometimes the old temptations of academia rear their bedeviling heads to encourage me to tear down the words of others.

At the same time, it is good to admit when someone’s words touch your soul. Yes, there are times the things I am called to do with my life leave me genuinely nervous or fearful. Ministers from my Annual Conference are already paid sparingly with our Annual Conference being one of the conferences with the lowest average compensation. I would likely make nearly twice as much if I lived in Georgia, but still have to pay off the same educational loans for the same educational standards. Add child support and car payments on top of the already difficult financial situation I was left in a few years ago, and yes: I completely understand it when Rev. Hamilton says that there are times when a call to generosity can inspire fear.

I am not alone in financial concerns and financial concerns are not the only place God calls us to trust. I live where the bishop sends me, but for many, the choice of where one chooses to live can mean living life alongside people whom Jesus would have us love despite our own inclinations. Others are called to live in places where forgiveness is a test of one’s faith and one’s patience. Still, others are called to trust doctors as the growth of cancer continues to plague the test results.

There are many places in life where the choice to trust God like Simon Peter is challenging, but Rev. Hamilton is absolutely correct when he asserts that God is there. God is there even in the uncomfortable bits. God is perhaps especially there in those moments.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Regularly Reluctant

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“There are times when Jesus asks us to do things that we don’t want to do, when we feel tired, or when what we’re being asked to do seems to make no sense to us. I have, on many occasions, been a very reluctant disciple. For us, the deep water is the place where Jesus calls us to go when we’d rather stay on the shore. We feel Christ calling and we drag our feet, and sometimes we even say no.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

There’s an old story that has been going around for what seems to be as long as I have been a Christian. The story is often called “Footprints in the Sand.” It tells the story of Jesus looking back over the life of someone as she notes that there are two sets of footprints on the beach of life. Sometimes the two are there together, side by side. Sometimes one set walks alone.

The faithful woman looks to Jesus with disappointment and talks about how sad it was to walk alone through the dark times. To her surprise, Jesus gently tells her that she is mistaken. Where there are only two feet walking in the sand, it isn’t that God was absent in such moments. Instead, those were the moments where Jesus was carrying her.

My favorite versions of the story then have the woman asking about the places where there is one set of footprints and two long ditches. Sometimes, she dug in her heels and had to be pulled along. In the really amusing versions, Jesus then goes on to explain the trails of fingerprints desperately clawing into the earth.

Do I identify with Rev. Hamilton saying that there are moments where we sometimes selectively listen, drag our feet, or even say no to God’s call on our lives? Yes. I will admit that I have had moments where I selectively listened, drug my own feet, and even said no with a stamping foot. Was that healthy? Generally not, but the past is what it is and there’s no going back to change things.

Sometimes I have absolutely said no to what God had for me. For years I refused to talk about my experiences, refused to ask for help, and even turned away the people who expressed concern about the ways I was dealing with my stress. To use recovery language, I was building up resentments and using tools to deal with problems that would eventually become problems as big as the original challenges. Instead of saying yes to God and yes to others, I determinedly and pig-headedly stuck to my plan. I didn’t need help, I didn’t need assistance, and I didn’t need anyone to advocate for me.

I was stubborn as a mule and was treated like one as a result of my own choices. Instead of saying no and asking for help, I become more and more entangled with my own pride. Hear me clearly: even when other issues raged, my pride was debilitating. Was Jesus there at my side offering help? Yes. Could I have asked for help at any time? Yes. Could I have even listened when people asked why I was being verbally assaulted in a gas station in front of church members by my partner? Yes. Did I do such things? No. I refused to go out into the water. I refused to let down my nets. I refused to ask for help and I continue to pay the consequences for not calling for help when violence entered my life by my own choices.

Here is some good news. I don’t have to be pig-headed today. I can choose to love someone who loves me back, choose to offer her my best while offering her the ability to set her own boundaries, and I can set my own boundaries and expect her to honor them. I can not only recover from that side of things, but I can ask her to support me as I recover from my disease. How wonderful is it when a relationship is healthy enough that the boundaries and enouragements become a given when neither person wants to hurt the other one?

Friends, you can go into the deep waters and let down the nets. You can recover even if you struggle with substance abuse and/or domestic violence. You can find community to love you and support you both within church doors and within twelve-step groups. You can let the nets down when God asks you to set out into deep waters.

Will it be easy? Maybe not. Will you be reluctant? I once was. Will it be better even when all of the comfortable things that go with the bad things go away? Someday, yes, but it takes time. There is hope and you don’t have to do things alone.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

Beyond Inconvenience

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“Has anyone ever asked you to do something, and you really didn’t want to do it because it was an inconvenience? Perhaps you were tired—and yet you did it anyway? Here’s what Peter would learn again and again: Jesus routinely inconveniences his followers.“

– Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed yet Faithful Disciple”

I have a less-than-serious confession to make. Over the past few years, I have had a few moments where I have looked at the world around me and felt as if there is a giant conspiracy. The conspirators are in my home with me. Late at night, I can almost hear them whispering. Sometimes it seems like the dishes are conspiring against me. No matter how often I clean them and put them away, it seems they are only too eager to congregate in my sink, the drying rack, or the dishwasher. Cleaning the dishes never ends. They’re all out to get me and living on my own means this endless war comes with no respite and there is no quarter either taken or given.

The dishes are, thankfully, generally peaceful. True, occasionally a sharp knife will take a stab at moving from a helpful tool to an attempted assassin, but in general they are an inconvenience at worst. Sure, sometimes someone will drop by and I will feel as if my very life will be judged based on how clean the sink looks, but that’s rarely happened.

Somehow, I do struggle with the word choice in the section I wanted to identify with today. It is certainly true that people are inconvenienced by Christ all the time in the gospels. I am certain that Simon Peter would like to go in and rest after a long night of fishing. Rowing out, loading the nets, casting the nets one last time, and even looking at the smirk I imagine on the face of Christ had to be inconvenient. Being around the Messiah who lays around the table chatting after the meal and who is regularly accused of hanging out with sinners probably meant that there was more than one time when life was more complicated than working a nine-to-five, grabbing takeout, and crashing at home. There were people to see, lives to heal, and the time had come for change. Working for change is rarely convenient.

Rev. Hamilton is absolutely right that the Living One calls us to moments of inconvenience. If you’ll notice, I am absolutely avoiding the word “but” as I do not wish to diminish the quite accurate point made by Rev. Hamilton. Also, sometimes Jesus asks us to go beyond inconvenience to sacrifice. In the story being considered, Jesus preaching from Simon Peter’s boat, the most requested of Simon Peter is an inconveniencing moment or two that ends up blessing both Simon Peter and the families around Simon Peter who would have otherwise had no obvious ways to provide after an abysmal night.

The challenge is that there are places in most of our lives where we know we are being called beyond inconvenience. There are people who place unreasonable demands on us and times when it feels like there is not enough in the bank account to be generous. There are times when cards are declining and times when we just want to go home but that friend really needs help. There are times when we are called to give beyond what is convenient into the realm of genuinely offputting or uncomfortable levels.

Sometimes, Jesus routinely asks his followers to give at such levels. We want a lovely church, we want people to find Jesus, and we want people in the pews. It can be inconvenient to offer to give someone a ride for a single Sunday. It can be truly offputting to realize that they will need help every Sunday for the foreseeable future. It can be inconvenient to be asked to give a box of stuffing at the holidays to help feed the family down the street and it can be beyond inconvenient when your neighbor next door is hungry and you only made enough food for one person.

Jesus still calls us to be faithful. Also, when we need help, we seemingly can trust that the moment will come when we can lower our nets for a catch. Both inconvenience and provision take place in this story. We can trust God in both.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.

By what name?

/ Robert D / Leave a comment

“If Jesus were to give you a nickname describing the potential he saw in you, not the person you are but the person you could become, what nickname would you hope he might choose for you? Beautiful? Selfless? Courageous? Bold? Servant? Loving? I’d want him to call me “Faithful,” not because I am a faithful disciple, but because that is what I long to be.”

Rev. Adam Hamilton, “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple”

What name would I want to be called by Christ? This question stands out to me as we enter on a Lenten journey towards Jerusalem. Wednesday’s Ashes are blowing in the wind today, which is quite a good question. What would I want to be a part of my life so inextricably that Jesus might use it to describe me?

The question is an interesting one. I have been called many things over the years by people who maybe should or should not have used such words. My girlfriend tends to label me with words like brave, muscly, beautiful, and lovely. My former partner once told me I was the kind of person only God would love. When I look in the mirror I see the ashes and I have been known to be critical of the person who still has loose skin, is beginning to wrinkle around the eyes, and who has gray hairs when he doesn’t shave them off. Sometimes I think of myself as a gorilla when I think about how I can’t shave my back. Too much information? Well, consider this my addition to the growing evidence that people of all types have things in their lives and that self-image isn’t a gender-based problem. As I have heard it said in a different arena, “Same struggle, different differences.”

I have called myself a lot of things, but Rev. Hamilton isn’t asking what others think of me or what others might label me. He isn’t even asking me what I think of myself. I’m not being asked about who I am in these moments. To put it in terms that make sense in a Lenten fashion, what kind of name would I want to have encompass the nature of my being when the ashes have cleared away and the person I am being made into remains?

As I think about today and the fact that we come to God confessing not only our sins, but our flaws, our needs, and our shortcomings, I cannot help but confess that the name I would want falls in the realm of what we seek to understand in Ash Wednesday.

For me, the reality of life is that we are constantly amid ashes. My life, the lives of others, and even the fate of nations and corporations are ashes. None of this lasts. The most powerful healthcare corporation here today will, one day, crumble to nothing even if they have the power to tell me whether or not my trip to Urgent Care will be covered. As I type through a bandage over a cut that probably needed stitches but heals after treatment with TAO-covered bandages cinched tight with tape, I understand that both the healing fingers and the corporation that takes thousands of dollars from the church to take care of me but won’t cover a trip to the doctor’s office while I’m bleeding will both be ashes in time.

So, what would I want to be called? I don’t need to be a rock like Peter as even the strongest rocks can be worn down with the water and waves of life. I don’t need to know that I am the most beloved disciple, as that is John’s name and I honestly don’t believe that I need to vie for my place in the rost of things. I would be remembered, known, or seen. I would be called by the very name that stands diametrically opposed to being seen as a source of child support who is tolerated to have a role in the lives of his children beyond being a source of passive income. I would have Christ tell me that my life matters and that I belong here. Even as I state that all of these things are ashes, I would remember that my ashes are remembered, known, and seen.

Yes, even people with degrees, titles, and even places within the line of apostolic succession struggle to belong in a world that sees people as names and numbers on sheets of paper. I guess we can work on normalizing that reality today too.

Our church is offering a short-term Bible study for the season of Lent. While many studies for the season traditionally focus on spiritual practices or on the stories of holy week, this year we are reading “Simon Peter: Flawed but Faithful Disciple” by Rev. Adam Hamilton. The idea of the study is that we might consider how we follow Christ in our lives while considering the life of this flawed follower. These blog posts are designed with a principle I have learned from recovery work: “We identify with the stories of others and try not to contrast.” We grow more and live with greater serenity when we look for what we share in common with someone with whom we might otherwise disagree.